Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

Approximately once a week, Upper School students’ phones, tablets, and computers ding and chirp simultaneously as Upper School Dean Christian Bielizna sends out his “CaNdY tHrOuGh ThE dEcAdEs” email to the entirety of the upper school. Upper schoolers across Parker reach towards their illuminating devices, eagerly anticipating the big reveal of the next sweet treat.

What some don’t consider, however, is the cost of importing such lavish, ancient candy to the office of our Dean. This year, Bielizna has treated the majority of the 9th grade to snacks and popcorn at “Fences,” bought the seniors a section at a Bulls’ game, installed a giant graduation countdown in front of the seniors’ electric blue lockers, added a permanent petting zoo to the staff parking lot, and installed an open bar for teachers and “responsible upperclassmen” in his office. It came to the attention of the administration earlier this month that Bielizna had–by mid-December–spent the money he was allotted for the year.

The majority of the Dean’s budget was spent not on Bulls tickets, sodas, or even those friendly goats. On the contrary, more than half of the money Bielizna spent this year was dedicated towards the Dean’s CaNdY tHrOuGh ThE dEcAdEs jar. “I JUST THINK IT’S REALLY IMPORTANT TO KEEP KIDS EXCITED AND MOTIVATED THROUGHOUT THE DAY,” a hyper Mr. Bielizna said-yelled, “AND A STASH IS INDISPUTABLY THE RIGHT WAY TO DO THIS!”

When doing a budget report in early February, the administration was shocked to find that the money being spent on CaNdY tHrOuGh ThE dEcAdEs and the amount being eaten was not lining up. If all 940 students in the whole school were taking a couple pieces a day, that would still amount to a fraction of the candy being ordered for each week. “It’s a real mystery,” said Assistant Principal and Interim Upper School Division Head Ruth Jurgensen.  “We have yet to discover where the money is going. It’s an absolutely surprising finding!”

This discovery raises a question: Where is this extra money/candy going? After days of investigation behind closed doors, the administration found that a local dentist (who wishes to remain unnamed) has been secretly making cash payments to Bielizna for the excessive amount of emergency fillings she has had to put in in the last month.  The dentist denies the charges.  “I had Parker students in my office almost every day, complaining about toothaches and sores,” she said. “The amount of cavities I found was ridiculous!”

“I thought that the school would make me discontinue CaNdY tHrOuGh ThE dEcAdEs if they found out about the lawsuit,” Mr. Bielizna said, “so I did my best to keep it under wraps– hence the investigation. But I would like to make it clear that CaNdY tHrOuGh ThE dEcAdEs will be around for as long as I am!”