Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

Last year, the holiday snowmen were deemed too “gender categorizing” to graze the halls of Parker. Weeks later, County Fair was assessed and renamed “County Fairness,” while the beloved senior “Big Brothers and Sisters” was swapped out for “Big Siblings.” The one constant Parker tradition through it all has been Morning X–but not for long.

Starting on April 1, students are expected to refer to the block in their schedules dedicated to an all-school assembly as “Morning X and Y.”

“I can’t believe Parker has had the ‘Morning X’ abbreviation for so long,” Parker parent and gynecologist Jen Derr said. “The ‘X’ only refers to the X chromosomes in females, but what about males? The Y chromosomes have been completely ignored, and this attack on the male gender is not okay.”

Parker Emotional Awareness Officer William Beauregard Sessions II, appointed last week, agrees. “This sexist offence on males has gone on for too long,” Sessions said, “and as a progressive, all-accepting community, Parker finally had to do something about it.”

Although Morning X was originally called “Morning Exercise,” the last word was almost entirely dropped in the late 20th Century. The new name change sheds light on the title that has been a secret symbol of female dominance and power since the start of Parker in 1901. According to the Parker administration, the name change will be applied to all students’ and teachers’ schedules, and Parker alumni will be notified immediately.

“As a student, I have to say that I honestly felt really targeted,” alumnus Mike Green, class of 2000, said. “This type of discrimination occurred every day for all of us, and we weren’t educated on the X and Y chromosomes, so no one else understood the true meaning of the title.”

If there is one thing Parker does best, it’s explaining changes in the Diversity and Emotional Department when implemented, and Sessions agreed that this was the first step Parker would take as a school.

“Students need to know what X and Y chromosomes are, first,” Sessions said. “They need to know that every girl has two X chromosomes, every boy has an X and a Y chromosome, and the X in Morning X spoke only to how girls grow and develop.”

As the support from the Parker community continues to grow, the school hopes to see more gender-equalizing changes implemented in progressive schools across the country. “Gender matters,” Principal Dan Frank said, “and every school should show it.”