Not So Fresh Now

Entire Ninth Grade Expelled from FWP

Dr. Frank, pictured playing his guitar after being dropped in an empty parking lot by members of the freshmen class, having received the shoes they demanded.

Photo credit: Jenna Mansueto

Dr. Frank, pictured playing his guitar after being dropped in an empty parking lot by members of the freshmen class, having received the shoes they demanded.

Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

 

Editors’ Note: The writer of this piece, Lindsay Carlin, is no longer an FWP student.

Empty catboxes. Cheerful red lockers with nothing inside of them. Quiet study rooms in the library that, for once, are legitimately silent. This might seem like a dystopia, but since February 29, this has been reality for Parker.

On February 14, Assistant Principal and Interim Upper School Head Ruth Jurgensen and Upper School Dean of Student Life Chris Bielizna decided to “suspend all current 9th grade students indefinitely.” The decision arose from a string of Fall disciplinary issues involving the freshman class.

“We’ve seen it all this year,” an exhausted Freshman Co-Gradehead Cory Zeller said. “Students have been caught stealing on the security cameras, signing out with their IDs before second semester, even picking fights with younger students.”

Most recently, a few freshman boys have taken it upon themselves to prank each member of the administration. Starting by toilet papering the Biology classroom and sketching penises over the taxonomy posters, they gradually worked their way up to the “grand finale”–abducting Principal Dan Frank, tying him up in freshman Alexander Nikolaev’s basement, and demanding a ransom for him to be paid in pairs of Nike basketball shoes.

When asked about the decision, Freshmen Co-Gradehead Ryan Zaremba was realistic.  “I mean, there are a few good freshmen,” he said.  “But was this year worth sacrificing my sanity? No. There goes six months I’ll never get back.”

“I’m just incredibly melancholy,” Matthew Turk said, sobbing as he took his three binders for each class out of his locker and putting them in the black hole he claims is his backpack. “This expulsion means I am unable to continue pursuing as many educational endeavors as I can possibly fit in the twelve months in every calendar year, plus the thirteenth one I created. And how will this look on my college application? And what will happen to Astrophysics Club?”

Freshman Gabriel Rothschild had a different reaction. “Yeah,” he said.  “I don’t care that much.  I mean, I’ve already spent so much time in the hallways from getting kicked out of class by my teachers that this won’t be that different.”

Photo by Lindsay Carlin

When asked about what aspect of Parker he would miss the most, feshman Fintan Gallagher replied, “Deeeeefinitely the chocolate milk in the cafeteria.”

“It was a roller coaster of a year with this grade,” Jurgensen said, putting the 9th grade’s “Vision Statement,” a paragraph they had written in October detailing specific ways they wanted to improve their behavior, through a paper shredder in her office. “But not a fun roller coaster. The kind of roller coaster that goes upside-down too much and makes you want to puke.”

A study conducted by 9th Grade Biology teachers Elizabeth Druger and Bridget Lesinski found that after the full-grade expulsion, on average, teachers who taught 9th Grade slept 2 hours more per night and had 1.7 less mental breakdowns each week.