Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

Principal Daniel B. Frank had harsh words for the Parker community on Monday as he delivered an announcement at the conclusion of Morning Ex. “The awful ‘Parker Weekly’ is completely fake news,” Frank said to a crowd of students from grades 3-12. “Laufer and his team of propagandists are bad people who just want me to fail. It’s sad, believe me. Sad!”

Frank has been principal at Francis W. Parker School since 2003 but began attacking the high school’s monthly news publication in the midst of a high-stakes School Board election this past fall.

“In the middle of a meeting Principal Frank just started yelling at a Student Board Representative who he recognized as a staff writer on the Weekly,” Board Chair Brent Gledhill said. The student in question, freshman Ian Shayne, sustained temporary hearing loss in his right ear and a scratched cornea after Frank threw a copy of his recently published celebrity cookbook, “The Art of the Meal” at Shayne.

Following his outburst at the Board Meeting, Frank took to personally attacking individuals around the school. After introducing Weekly faculty sponsor Matt Laufer as “Mr. Laufail” at a presentation to prospective parents, Frank targeted 6th Grade Earth Sciences teacher Peg Zerega, calling her unit on Global Warming “a big sad lie.” Zerega responded by inviting Frank to attend her class, an offer to which he has not yet responded.

The so-called ceasefire was broken on Friday of that week when Frank published an incendiary blurb in “This Week at Parker,” claiming that former Vice-Principal Damian Jones had wiretapped his phones with the help of former Upper School Head Joe Ruggiero. Upper School Senate Heads Josh Marks, Olivia Levine, Brianna Boone, and Martha Wedner have since confirmed that there is no evidence of such an event.

“Phone-Gate” was quickly overshadowed by school-wide security threats as an anonymous source from within the administration leaked that Frank-appointee Athletic Director Bobby Starks had close ties to The Latin School of Chicago and was in contact with his counterpart there, Tom Bower. The claims alleged that Starks met several times with Bower during the 2014 Boys’ State Soccer Tournament, their talks preceding a Latin victory that knocked Parker out of contention. “For years I thought the reason we were unable to beat Latin in soccer was the relative strength of their team in comparison with ours,” senior Tom Besold said. “I’m glad to know the real cause.”

Frank has appointed Dawn Wickstrum as Interim Athletic Director while the leak is investigated. “I’m so glad to be back,” Wickstrum said. “It’s simply fantastic returning to a place that has been so kind and welcoming to me over the years.”

“I hired Ms. Wickstrum back so that we could start winning again,” Frank said at an Athletic Council Meeting last week. “She’s fantastic, isn’t she? A real winner. Just the type of person we need to elevate Parker athletics to its former glory.”

As a result of his grievances Frank has appointed himself Editor-in-Chief of the Weekly, naming Pat “Bloody Mary” McHale as the new principal.