I’m Pretending You Asked, Issue 7


Good morning, I’m Nathan Siskel and I’m writing Spencer’s column today because he says he’s busy. I know you too have a busy day ahead in this busy world, wearing your busy multi patterned clothing and sending your busy emoji smattered texts, but I hope you have time for a bit of light reading. 

We live on large rock that would fancy itself complicated, a little quirky if you will, on account of it’s many green tufts and occasional earthquakes that knock them all down. The earth has been quirky for a good while, but as of late it’s gotten down right deranged. On top of our bustling cities, our myriad choices of lightbulb shape, and fraught global spice trade, we have all sorts of WAVES just flying around! 

The amount of tiny waves absolutely gushing out of every mobile phone, every airplane and every wifi router, every bird tracking chip and most of your brains, is absolutely bonkers. The air is full of them. Every time you send one of your busy little texts to sort out your busy little life, a blast of little waves passes RIGHT THROUGH YOU, THROUGH YOUR WALLS, and GOD KNOWS HOW FAR to their destination, but not before bouncing off of massive dinner plates floating just outside of our planet’s own personal air bubble. This article is getting to you in the same way. Needless to say, it’s a pretty controversial issue but I’ve already wasted 3 paragraphs of your time so without further ado, I’ll pretend you asked and throw some opinions at you. 

Waves have a lot of benefits! First off, waves are pretty. Curvaceous by nature (like me), their shape is very appealing and I’m a big fan. However, they might give you cancer. Wear earbuds when you’re making your calls so the waves from your phone don’t mess up your brain. Phone waves and brain waves just don’t mesh, apparently. 

But waves are better than their shape. Waves help us communicate with each other and get the news and play candy crush and send missiles in the comfort of our own homes and oh no this pro has turned into a con. Waves make things fast, they get information places quicker than our legs or even bullet trains can. And the schedules for those bullet trains would definitely not be so precise without waves telling us whats up. 

The fantastic ability that waves have to carry information also means MISinformation can spread just as quickly. From atop the porcelain throne messages can be weaponized and distributed to millions in just seconds, causing widespread panic, confusion, and even insurrection. We’ve seen the effects that a single tweet can have on our nation and the roll of waves is not to be discounted. 

But waves have also made it possible to call for help. By calling 911 help can arrive in a matter of minutes, saving thousands of lives. We can also call for help on a societal level. Footage of police brutality has forced a new level of awareness of racism in America and the urgency of the issue. This couldn’t have reached so many corners of the country and so many previously closed minds without the help of incredible people and a few well placed waves. 

The moral of waves is that they are a double edged sword. With great power comes great responsibility guys, and we have that power in the palm of our hands. Have fun, but be safe, you busy you.