Sadie’s Argument: 

It’s shocking to me that Jack could believe pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza. There are endless reasons why pineapple pizza is delicious, but my first reason is to all of the Justin Bieber fans reading this. While a guest on the ‘Jay Leno Show’ in 2011, Bieber said, “Pineapple on pizza is good. You guys don’t like that?” Can you really call yourself a JB fan when you don’t agree with his taste in food? I don’t think so. 

Aside from Justin Beiber, we must recognize the health benefits. Pineapple is jam packed with Vitamin C, fiber, and potassium. Together, these nutrients help enzymes within your body to boost immunity, fight inflammation, and aid digestion! So while chowing down on the not so healthy pizza, why don’t you make yourself feel a little better by adding pineapple? 

I get it, maybe the health benefits don’t matter to you; but the sweet, sticky, and juicy fruit is everything you could ever need! Its juice – rich and syrupy in texture – is like nectar from the gods. Paired perfectly with the salty pizza dough, pineapple helps lift the overall flavor profile of a pizza – and who doesn’t love a sweet and salty combo? It is scientifically proven that humans have a dopamine increase when a little bit of sweetness is added to a salty snack, so… 

Finally, the major argument  of the opposing side is: “Fruit doesn’t belong on pizza!” First, why do we need to be exclusive? We as Parker students are taught to be inclusive to all. But secondly, let me take you back in history. In 1893, a landmark decision by the Supreme Court of the United States, titled Hedden, 149 U.S. 304, ruled that under U.S. customs regulations, the tomato should be classified as a fruit rather than a vegetable. Just a quick reminder, that red sauce on your pizza is tomato sauce, therefore, you already have fruit on your pizza. So what is the problem with pineapple? Even better question, have you even tried it? I assume no, but crazy enough you don’t have to go to Hawaii for pineapple pizza, just get it from your local Dominos!! 

Jack’s Argument: 

Sadie’s argument is absolute blasphemy. For starters, the origin of the pizza comes from the beautiful country of Italy. And where does pineapple come from, you ask? The farms of South America. But this isn’t just it. Let’s put this into perspective. Forbes ranked Chef Gordon Ramsay the best chef in the world! In an interview Ramsay blasted the idea of pineapple on pizza, saying, “Pineapple does NOT go on top of pizza.” Now that we have a professional’s opinion, let’s get to the facts. There are major reasons why pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza. 

First, pineapple makes pizza soggy. The pineapple that is primarily put on pizza has come from a can, and is almost never made with fresh pineapple. This is simply because of restaurant overhead costs, but do you realize what canned fruit is? Canned pineapple is preserved in juice, and even if you strain the outer liquid, 87% of the liquid will be inside of the cut pieces. So not only is soggy pizza disgusting, but it is quite frankly impossible to remove. The taste of the already “pineapple pizza” will remain due to the juice soaking into the delicious pizza dough. 

The second problem with pineapple going on pizza is your inability to move to Iceland. I know, random, but pineapple on pizza breaks with the tradition that fruit, tomato aside, has no place on a pizza. Gudni Thorlacius Johannesson, president of Iceland, caused a minor international incident when he joked with school pupils that, given the chance, he would ban pineapple on pizza. Nonetheless, you will rarely see pineapple on pizza in Iceland, and personally, I would absolutely pick Iceland over disgusting soggy pizza.

My last point, which I find to be most important, hurts wonderful people. “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” SpongeBob SquarePants. So when you eat pineapple on your pizza, you must know that you have just destroyed SpongeBob’s house. This causes SpongeBob to be homeless. Would you really prefer SpongeBob to not have a home so you can have a soggy piece of pizza? If you say yes, congrats: you made SpongeBob homeless! But if you say no, congrats: you have a heart (and a brain)!