Here I am, once more, scared to tackle my college essays. My essays are never perfect enough, smart enough, or authentic enough.
Every sentence is an opportunity to show a college admissions officer why you should be admitted or why you aren’t qualified enough for their institution. Every sentence. To some, this is such an easy task. They can sophisticatedly write their essay, briefly edit it, and never look at it again. To me, knowing that every sentence shows a portion of my identity is a complete curse. Now, obviously, every sentence is not as important as I’m making it out to be, and a personal essay is only a portion of your application – but my overthinking can really lead to intense dramatizations… you decided to read this column, so please bear with my dramatics. Nevertheless, that fear of college essays not only strengthens my procrastination skills – but it destroys my confidence in my writing.
Being the indecisive person I am, I must have everyone share their opinion on my personal essay. Each person shares their thoughts and critiques, and suddenly, my essay has transformed into another piece of literature. It feels somewhat foreign, somewhat personal, and somewhat strange. Obviously, such cycles are horrible, but I tend to like these essays the most. I’m really not sure why. Maybe because I’m so insecure in my own writing? Maybe because a system where students are just pieces of paper is inherently flawed? So many questions, yet so few answers.
As insecure as the essay process seems, there is another portion of the application process that is even less humane: standardized testing. For those unaware, standardized testing refers to the ACT and SAT. Both tests house a variety of academic questions with differing concepts and topics. They are seen as confirmation that a student is “smart enough” to enter a certain university. I personally completely hate standardized testing. I chose to take the ACT, and it was such a horrible experience. As someone who has test anxiety, it is a nightmare. Walking into the exam, I felt such anxiety and jittering. I sat on one of the wooden seats and looked around. No. 2 pencils fill the room, students nervously fiddling with them. The proctor passed out the exam, and it was time to begin. Every question, to a certain level, increased or decreased my chances of an acceptance at my dream school. I stared at my exam, and the answers didn’t decode themselves.
The college process is inherently flawed. Yet, we all stay for the same reason: to gain admittance to a school we completely obsess over. To some, that school has not been found. Every school looks the same, each with its “unique” courses and professors. For others, that school was found in 6th grade. Their entire life has been working to attend that school. For me, if I’m being super real, I’m really just scared. I’ve found a school that I’ve completely fallen in love with, but it always seems out of my reach. I don’t have a high enough ACT score, good enough essays… but I still need to try. However, if I’m not admitted (which has a very high chance of occurring), I really don’t know what I’ll do. I’ve heard “everythings going to work out” at least a thousand times, but will it really?
Here I am, five days after November 1, the early college application deadline, and I’m filled with the need to do more. I’m scared to look at any of my submitted supplements because I know I’ll find mistakes. I’m scared to start my regular decision applications because I know it’ll send me into another college spiral. I’m scared. I know that “everything is going to work out,” but for now, I’m scared for what’s to come. But I’m happy to know that I have your support as I fumble through the next few months. Thanks for sticking around 🙂
