According to a report published Thursday by the Parker science department, getting out of bed in the morning dramatically increases the risk of things gradually becoming worse.

Science teacher Elizabeth Druger led the study. “The very moment the subjects pulled off the covers and stepped out of bed, things seemed to get even worse for them in 87% of all cases,” Druger said. She added that the science department observed no instances in which getting up from one’s bed and coming to school improved things.

“We subsequently discovered that the chances of everything going even further downhill rose higher should one then get dressed and head toward the front door,” Druger said. “After that point, once one has arrived at the school, the likelihood of avoiding being weighed down by steadily mounting misery, angst, pain, and humiliation was close to zero.”

Druger noted that the only guaranteed way to ensure the misery doesn’t completely envelop you is to pull a blanket up over your head and remain there, indefinitely.

Principal Daniel Frank addressed the school in a Friday MX announcement last week. “I am very proud of the science department for this breakthrough in the medical community,” Frank said. “We must continue to strive as a community to be a democratic community and work together to really be a community.”

The Parker science department has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize in Medicine and a spot in the upcoming talent show.