Breaking News: Investigations following the 400% increase in sales of Mountain Dew in the Lincoln Park area, a total of 537,600 cans, revealed the monstrous relapse of Parker’s own English teacher, Mike Mahany.

On Monday Mahany was found locked in his closet by his A Period eleventh grade American Literature class. Upon breaking down the door, student Claire Rosenberg was startled to find him cradling three of the one hundred Mountain Dew cases that have been residing in this “secret hiding spot” since his Dew-abstinence began.

“He just stared at us with bloodshot eyes and rocked back and forth,” Rosenberg said. “No wonder that closet is always locked – I almost got knocked out by flying cases.”

In fact, Margot Hahn was hit by a falling case trying to see the Mahany spectacle. She is currently being hospitalized for a severe concussion.

“The closet was greener than Parker’s bank account,” another student, junior Spencer Porter, said. “He’s been much more lively in class these past few weeks, and we all should’ve seen this coming.”

Mahany gave up Mountain Dew for Lent two years ago, but has been attempting to quit for years. Advisee and senior Corinth Jackson had been trying to convince Mahany to give up the beverage entirely since County Fair in October. On February 10, he agreed to this #DefeattheDew movement.

Despite his advisory’s throwing away many cans for him and aiding in his brutal first week of separation, this relapse has been the worst of them all.

“I thought I had everything under control,” Mahany said, trembling, “until I had a dream that Mountain Dew was discontinued. When I woke up, I knew I had to buy every case I could find.”

Mahany did just that. At 6am on March 5, not even a month into his separation, Mahany set out to buy all original Mountain Dew products in the entire Lincoln Park Area. Since that day, Mountain Dew cases and even a handful of two liter bottles have been residing in every part of Mahany’s Evanston home and, of course, in his Parker classroom’s closet.

“I think the safest measure Parker can take is to quarantine Mr. Mahany,” Nurse Ann said. “We don’t want students to be encouraged to drink Mountain Dew, or catch his highly contagious addiction.”

Beginning on Monday April 11, as all of Parker returns from Spring Break, Mahany will be kept in a four by four by seven bulletproof glass box, replacing the piano in the second floor’s alcove. Students are encouraged to send him letters and pictures through a food slot.

“Any student sending a letter or picture mentioning Mountain Dew will face immediate expulsion,” head of school Dan Frank said. “If he’s not cured by the end of June, we, as an embryonic democracy, will have to vote upon maintaining his in–school quarantine into the 2016-2017 school year.”