An unfortunate trend of bullying has crept into independent schools in the United States, according to educational consultants Robert Evans and Michael G. Thompson–but not the kind of steal-your-lunch behavior that usually catches the headlines. In their Spring 2016 “Independent School Magazine” article titled “Parents Who Bully the School,” Evans and Thompson reported a “relentless increase over the past 20 years in educators’ frustrations in dealing with difficult parents.”

Parker is no different in its occasional, if not necessarily “relentless,” experience of parent bullying.

At least one incident from the 2015-2016 school year showed the extent to which some parents are willing to assert their authority.  When administrators cancelled an annual 10th-grade trip to The Rink in the Chatham neighborhood, it was because “one parent sent one set of statistics that colored the opinion of people,” tenth grade grade head Vicky Lee said. She and co-grade head Andrew Bigelow had originally planned the annual outing. People became concerned about safety in a neighborhood that has seen rising levels of violence. Less said, “Parents looked at one piece of information and made a judgment.”

For Lee and Bigelow, the problem was not that a parent had concerns about safety.  “There is nothing wrong with a parent saying, ‘I’m deciding not to bring my child there,’” Bigelow said. The problem, he said, was that the parent included “a vast number of people who were not involved in the outing, including members of the board and other parents, without having a conversation with the two people who created the event.”

Jurgensen denied parental interference in this decision, though she made clear that she was not directly involved.

Regardless of who was responsible for cancelling the trip to the roller rink, administrators at independent schools walk a line between being open to parental communication, while not becoming too influenced by their feedback.  

The “Independent School Magazine” article from the spring classifies three types of parent bullies–“the Righteous Crusader,” “the Entitled Intimidator,” and “the Vicious Gossip”–and defines a bully as someone who badgers, intimidates, and is habitually cruel to others. A parent bully can act in subtler ways as well, broadcasting complaints about a particular teacher to others, or insisting that her or his child be placed – or not placed – in a particular teacher’s section. In terms of these less obvious examples of bullying, Parker may not be immune from this trend.  

       Many parents who send their children to independent schools do so because they expect to be able “to have that rapport and relationship with the administration,” Jurgensen said.  “One of the great benefits and strengths of an independent school is the fact that parent and teacher and administrator relationships are much closer,” former head of the Upper School Joe Ruggiero, who led the division for 13 years and currently directs the Upper School at Blake in Minneapolis said. “The fact that a parent can come into my office and have a direct conversation with me is what I love about being at an independent school.”

According to Interim Upper School Division Head and Vice Principal Ruth Jurgensen, “The article speaks to an amplified version of an independent school parent.” “The vast majority of the time, parents send their children to an independent school,” Ruggiero said, “because they know that the education they are provided with is by people who are competent and who are capable.”

When parents do speak up at Parker, according to Jurgensen, they do so for good reasons.  “When parents are upset, it’s usually related to the safety, security, well-being, and success of their child,” Jurgensen said. “And what’s wrong with that?” Jurgensen, not only an administrator but also the mother of a second grade student, understands that “parents are very anxious about their kids and concerned about that world they are entering.”  “I’m a parent too,” she added, “and I want to control as much as possible for my kid.”

The voices of Upper School heads past and present echo one another. “Parents, rightfully so, are concerned about and trying to support their individual child,” Ruggiero said. “That is their job and what they are supposed to do.”

Both administrators report, however, that they have seen something of an uptick in this type of behavior. The problem, according to Ruggiero, occurs when parents come at the school in a way that is more transactional, and focus more on what they want as a short-term response for their child as opposed to “looking more holistically in a community-based setting.” These parents, he said, “feel that the tuition dollars they pay entitle them to dictate specific things in a business-type fashion as opposed to an educational fashion.”

      Technology may be a cause of the apparent rise in inappropriate parent behavior.  “An email or 140 characters is very distant,” Jurgensen said. “It is much more challenging to be up front with the person standing in front of you.” In addition, the near-constant flow of information means that “people want to know up to the minute, up to the second, everything that is happening,” she said. “If parents don’t get a response immediately, maybe they think it is rude or disrespectful.”

       Further, what fuels parent bullying is “this high-stress and high-anxiety situation about getting into colleges,” Ruggiero said. “I think there is more pressure than ever on students to achieve.” These added pressures and stresses can cause parents to feel the need to take control of the situation.

For the Parker community, Bigelow and Lee hope that the roller rink episode offers a teachable moment.  If something like this were to happen again?  Lee said, “I hope that people from the administration would come to us and would have faith in us.”

From Jurgensen’s point of view, if a bullying incident were to happen in the future, the response would be based on collaborative discussion and consultations.  “I’m not going to be making decisions by myself in my office in response to one communication,” she said. “I would go to the students to find out what is going on.”

       “I don’t want to sugarcoat things to say that everything is always roses and sunshine, but it’s a small handful of parents that are difficult or build up an antagonistic relationship with the school in ways that make it counterproductive,” Ruggiero said.  “98 percent of parents are awesome, and two percent are tricky.”