Hi, Parker students.  I’m Jessi Lieb, a junior, and this is my column, which I am completely unqualified to write.  It’s where you go to get the advice you didn’t ask for but definitely need.

When you imagine your entry into high school, maybe you think of laughing on the bleachers with your giant friend group that you are somehow the leader of, or walking into a party, and everyone turning while joyful cheers of your name arise from the crowd.

Here’s what you don’t imagine: having to take the far staircase because you’re afraid of walking through the intimidating stares of students who look to you like teachers, or having to play a game of “Parker Bingo” to learn all the slang you’ve never heard of before, like “science break,” or “cat boxes.”  

How do you survive freshman year without getting emotionally scarred? How do you find a group of friends you actually like and that like you back? How do you live through the soul-crushing social pressure to be the coolest freshman, particularly when you just showed up to a grade of 70 best friends who’ve been together for 10 years?

Here’s your foolproof guide to being a freshman and having a great time while doing it.

OK, so “foolproof” might not be the right word. And “a great time” might be pushing it a little. But if you follow these steps, you will make it without becoming a carcass picked over by sophomores for entertainment.

First, join every club at your disposal.

Make an effort to make as many older friends as you can. They will come in handy and overall make your life better. You need their advice.  I would’ve given my right kidney to have known anyone in a higher grade when I first started school.

Join a team! Even if you suck. Trust me, I would know. My athleticism extends to the point of my reaching from the bowl of chips to my mouth.

Also, have some spirit! Come to the White-out (Blue-out?) game. When anyone outside of school talks about “Latin,” casually mention that Parker is better in almost every way. You’re now a member of the community–you might as well jump right in.

And keep in mind–walking down the hallway is an artform. Smile, appear confident, but get the heck out of upperclassmen’s way. Always walk with a partner.  Don’t let them see your weakness. Once you arrive at the freshman lockers, you’re safe.

I’m kidding, but this is really how it felt to me the first six months of my freshman year. It’s really scary to walk down a hallway of strangers when it feels like they’re all looking at you. I promise you that everyone is not staring at you–don’t flatter yourself, they have better things to do.

Don’t take the far staircase just to avoid sophomores. Don’t let them push you around. You are a strong, smart, independent freshman.

If you’re new, as I was, give it some time. Understand that these people have grown up together, and all of a sudden, a bunch of new people have been thrown into the mix. Talk to everyone, even the kid who actively avoids making eye contact with you for some unknown reason.

Note: friend groups change faster than outfits around here, and you never know who your next best friend could be. You’ll be fine. This school is amazing, and so are the people here. Sometimes it just takes a while (and a couple of horribly embarrassing moments, with photos as proof) for them to warm up to you.

Seriously, the sophomores are probably just a couple months older than you. They were just freshmen. They went through everything you did. They might seem intimidating at first, but they’re good people. If you’re lucky enough to get to know them, they’ll be plenty nice to you.

In secret, the sophomores are rejoicing that they’re no longer the babies of the high school. To be honest, I was disappointed at the lack of hand trembling terror there was from the freshmen when I was a sophomore.  It was anticlimactic.

The only thing you have to be wary of is to never, ever sit on the sophomore bench. It’s a tradition, and the sophomores longed for the honor of sitting their butts on that slab of wood all of last year. Let them relish in the glory.  It’ll be your turn soon enough.

My final piece of advice is to just have fun and don’t take anything too seriously.

You’re a freshman. Enjoy the easy life while you have it. Get to know your grade, get to know the rest of the school, and just know that freshman year kinda sucks. It’s not fun being the baby–but everyone goes through it.

You will make it out mentally sane, and hopefully have fun at the same time.