Here in the Francis Parker community, as throughout the world, some parents–usually with only the best intentions–over-protect, over-direct and handhold their kids, but it’s not actually helping. That’s at least how the author–and former lawyer, and former Dean of Freshmen at Stanford University–Julie Lythcott-Haims sees it.

On Monday, April 24, Lythcott-Haims came to Parker for the 19th Annual Francine C. Rosenberg Memorial Lecture, held in the evening in the Heller Auditorium.  Earlier in the day she met with Principal Dan Frank and with the faculty.

After a variety of parents, alumni, and educators–from Parker and from other Chicago school communities–had taken their seats for the evening talk, Frank gave a brief introduction, and Lythcott-Haims took the mic.

The basis of Lythcott-Haims’s lecture was her New York Times best-selling book “How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success.” The book empathizes with the parental hopes and–especially–fears that lead to over helping, but it also explores the impacts of such a “trap” and offers practical alternatives that stress the importance of allowing children to make their own mistakes and, so, to develop the resilience, resourcefulness, and determination necessary for success.

“It’s really nice when your parents are always there to ask the tough questions, or advocate for you, or keep track of your stuff, or tell you what to do with your life,” Lythcott-Haims said, “but they won’t be around forever, and ultimately, to have your own life is to be able to do so much for yourself, and lead yourself to where you want to go.”

In her lecture, as throughout her book, Lythcott-Haims used research, conversations with educational leaders, her experience at Stanford, and her own experiences as a mother to explain her interest in leading the next generation to live their own lives with competence and confidence.

The problem, Lythcott-Haims, said, is that parents–not kids–make the checklists, and that parents who have the means nervously complete what’s on the list.  

The lecture, which spanned 80 minutes, gave direction on many aspects of how parents, herself included, are guilty of “helicopter parenting.” Lythcott-Haims stressed parents’ image of success, how they unknowingly value short-term wins over long-term capacity, and how they insert their own egos into their kids’ lives, treating them like trophies.

“If we could get a life, just step back a little bit, and allow for some imperfection, some failure, some of the stuff that happens when we’re not around concierging the heck out of their life, if we could do that, our kids would learn that humans bounce back from difficulty, they get stronger by contending with adversity, and they would emerge into the adult world knowing how to cope,” Lythcott-Haims said. “We have eroded their resilience that otherwise would have come if we had not so closely attended every moment of their childhood.”

At various points during the talk, audience members could be seen teary eyed, perhaps from hearing Lythcott-Haims’ own moving story or a witticism or funny anecdote.

“By making herself vulnerable and sharing her story with the audience, it lets everyone know that this is not necessarily the easiest thing,” Frank said. “There’s no manual that tells you how to be a parent or how to respond to each child’s needs—but there’s some guiding wisdom, and I know I looked at it in a very personal way.”

Frank and Sally Rosenberg—the deciders of who the annual lecturer is—were the ones who picked Lythcott-Haims. Frank said, “The kinds of qualities Sally and I look for are: Do the ideas that the speaker is exploring and talking about resonate with current issues related to education? To child development, parenthood… How can the school and parents, together, create an environment that are healthy for students?  And then also if they’re really good, engaging speakers.”

After the lecture, some members of the community talked about the issue of overparenting.  “While it’s good to have a little bit of a helicopter parent to make sure there’s some structure in their lives and to give motivation and encouragement,” 7th Grader Sam Laser said, “you still have to give your kids some freedom so they know how to deal with life later on.”

Upper school Math Teacher Vicky Lee, a mother with two kids, and an educator for the past three decades, also reflected on Lythcott-Haims’s ideas. “Of course my kids will never be 100% happy with me as a parent, and I’ll never be 100% happy with them, but I have to hope that I’ve instilled some things that will help them to make good decisions,” Lee said. “I tell them every day, ‘Please make good decisions.’ I tell them every day, ‘You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and make good decisions’ because I know they’re going to make some crappy ones—but I’m hoping that most of them will be good.”