When I think about birthdays, there are a few significant ones that come to mind as “milestones.” For instance when you turn one, that’s your first birthday–obviously a big one. Some others include 10 (double digits), 13 (first year as a teenager), 16 (driver’s license). But one birthday that everyone thinks of as the milestone: your 18th birthday. It’s not as great as people make it out to be.

I have just turned 18, and since I have done so, I’ve come to some startling realizations about this bait- and- switch of a birthday.

I am now, legally, an adult. I am just like every other human being on this planet in the eyes of the legal system, meaning that I can now be tried as an adult.

So, hypothetically, if I were to commit a crime such as breaking and entering, I could go to prison. Yes, a real prison, like the kind you see in movies. I can now be locked in a six by eight foot cell for twenty-three hours a day, and only be allowed one hour in the “yard.” On top of this (if my movie-based knowledge of prisons is at all accurate), every single day I, a lanky blonde 18-year-old boy, run the risk of being shanked in my cell.

On top of the possibility of prison time, I can also now legally engage in several destructive practices.

First of all I can purchase scratch lottery tickets. While this may seem like harmless fun, this has a much darker side. I now run the risk of developing a serious scratcher gambling problem. Soon my life could be overrun by the need to buy these tickets, which you rarely even if win with. I can now spend all of my money on scratchers.

On top of this, I can get a tattoo. I am legally allowed to mark my body permanently by way of needles and ink. And the best part is that I can get WHATEVER I WANT! I could get a tattoo of Colonel Francis Wayland Parker that covers my whole chest, which admittedly would be pretty cool (maybe not a bad idea after all…).

I may now also partake in the purchasing and consumption of tobacco products in all 50 states. Yes, those sexy cylinders that make you look oh-so-cool. I finally will be able to join the 480,000 people who die from smoking cigarettes in the United States each year. I can also purchase smokeless tobacco and legally dip until my teeth literally fall out, which is known to happen.

      And I can now join the United States Army. Tomorrow I could walk down to wherever it is that you join the army, sign up, and be a soldier. I would be shipped off to yet another ill-advised war waged by America and potentially be killed in the line of duty. Not to mention if we get into a WWIII, I will most definitely be drafted.

        As you can see, turning 18 is clearly a trap. You can be put in prison, get a tattoo, smoke, dip, and be drafted. So my advice to all of the kids out there would be to not turn 18. Just don’t do it. If I had the choice, I would stay 17 forever, free from any and all responsibility. Because as soon as you turn 18 you are hit square in the nose with the real world, and it does not care about you at all. Turning 18 is simply a way for you to destroy your life by way of some newfound legally acceptable decision.

P.S. You can vote too.