On March 15, Parker welcomed visiting scientist Sian Beilock, and she discussed the psychological effects of stress. But she’s not an actual scientist.

According to freshman Sammy Kagan, Beilock broke into the science department’s office and stole Upper School science teacher Xiao Zhang’s tie dye lab coat. Witnesses of the robbery report Zhang crying in his office later that day.

Next, Beilock needed the stereotypical scientist’s mop of hair.

“I was just trying to look professional,” Beilock later said.

While Upper School drama teacher Leslie Holland-Pryor was in deep conversation with Middle School drama teacher Ed Garza, Beilock stole a grey wig, two feet in diameter, from Holland-Pryor’s room. Junior Nina Sachs notes that Holland-Pryor was disturbed.

“When she found out someone stole her grey wig from her high school days,” Sachs said, “she screamed and then fainted on stage during ‘Bring It On’ rehearsal.”

Sachs notes that a medic was immediately called to take Holland-Pryor to the emergency room.

The last item Beilock needed was a pair of clunky glasses to look “nerdy.” She looked no further than Upper School math teacher Robert Wilson’s office.

As he was shoveling strawberry pie into his mouth and cheering on his students’ reciting digits of pi in the Harris Center, Wilson accidentally knocked off his glasses with his one foot spoon. Beilock grabbed the glasses and dashed out the door in under five seconds.

“I was in the middle of the 120th digit of pi, and Beilock ruined my streak!” sophomore Abhi Goyal said. “If she were a complex number, I’d tell her to get real!”

Goyal was reported to be outside of the Harris Center after the competition, weeping, face first in a frisbee-sized plate full of pumpkin pie.

Beilock was finally caught when her I.D. card fell out of her wallet in the front lobby. Security guard Frank Colon said that Beilock had faked her identity out of spontaneous feelings.

“Tough luck, Goyal!” Beilock said in response to Goyal’s aforementioned quote. “If you were an irrational number, I would tell you to get rational.”

According to Beilock, the best advice she would give to pull off a fake identity is to always be prepared for any scenario. She notes that if she were prepared, she would have traded wallets with one of the science teachers to show anyone who may second guess her that she indeed had a science background.