Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

Any performer knows that the best way to feel comfortable on stage is to picture the audience naked, but the whole school was flabbergasted when the freshman choir came out in the nude during their fall showcase.

“I could have sworn I heard her say ‘Nude Chorale,’” freshman Bella Charfoos said. “So I corrected my friends when they called it ‘New Chorale.’ I just wanted to make sure they didn’t embarrass themselves.”

“I noticed them walking down the hall,” Head of Upper School Justin Brandon said. “Of course, I thought it was bizarre. But, hey, if students are expressing themselves, then who am I to stop them? I’m still getting used to Parker’s progressive nature, so I have to admit, I thought this was a normal occurrence.”

The audience let out a collective gasp as 25 mid-pubescent, completely nude bodies marched up to the risers. “There were a lot of hand movements,” junior Gabe Gross said. “So at least all the hand-waving was a little distracting from the fact that they were naked. The snapping was fun.”

In years past, Parker has been known to push the envelope when it comes to artistic performances, but it had never been this extreme.

After a team of “Weekly” student investigators did some research, they found the culprit of this unusual scene: a few token freshman had misheard music department chair Sunni Hikawa during the curriculum MX the previous year.

When asked why she didn’t make a clarification, music teacher and Department Co-Chair Sunnie Hikawa said, “I love when students take an interest in performing, and this seemed to get more students than usual curious about the power of singing. Go big or go home. What do I have to lose at this point?”

“I assumed I just heard incorrectly,” a student said, “but when I saw that everyone was doing it too, I just went along with it.”

“I came in as a new freshman,” a student said, “and I know that Parker has a lot of funky traditions, and I thought this was one of them.”