Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

It all began with the beignets, sugar cookies, and colored beads that made the cafeteria’s Mardi Gras feel like a real Louisiana Fat Tuesday.  It was “beyond magical, and highly authentic,” according to Harriet Fardon, a junior with roots in the south. In fact, the school found the day was so magical, festive, and full of happy vibes that the cafeteria staff decided they’d honor more holidays in the future.

In February, the cafeteria took on George Washington’s birthday.  The cafeteria team wore colonial soldier garb. They served Hardtack, chunks of hardened flour commonly eaten by soldiers in the Revolutionary War.  Upper School History Teacher Andrew Bigelow purchased plate after plate for use in future lessons.

St. Patrick’s Day meant everything was green. Head Chef Zac wore an inflatable leprechaun suit and for lunch out boiled cabbage. The smoothies were replaced with Shamrock Shakes®.  The coffee machines were replaced with kegs of non-alcoholic beer. Senior Jack McNabola stormed out of the cafeteria and rallied a few students outside. He told “The Weekly,” “We can no longer tolerate the cafeteria’s consistent cultural appropriation.”

In March, the cafeteria celebrated The Feast of the Annunciation (AKA The Solemnity of the Annunciation), a Christian holiday commemorating Archangel Gabriel’s visit to the Virgin Mary, when he informed her that she would be the mother of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.  The cafeteria was filled with incense and mutton shank. Jack Cordwell, a catholic senior, said, “The cafeteria cares for my spiritual well being.” Staff members patrolled the area wearing white vestments and splashing students with holy water while muttering Latin incantations.