Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

Back in mid-December, Cory “the all knowing” Zeller was escorted into Parker’s Board Room by Terry Bolden, a Parker security guard, per the request of Dr. Frank and Mrs. Jurgensen. Recently, Zeller came forward to share her frightening experience with “The Weekly.”

“I was teaching my F period Literature & Censorship class when I noticed Terry was at the door,” she said. “He motioned through the glass that he needed me for what I thought was a quick chat. As I was opening the door, my hands were wrestled behind my back, and I was escorted down the stairs to the Admin Board Room. I had no idea what was going on.”

A student in Zeller’s Censorship Class, Maya Sanghvi, remembered thinking that this was a skit performed by Zeller as a way to be funny and that Zeller only had to use the bathroom. Zeller is known to perform pranks on her students.

“Mrs. Zeller knows everything that happens in the high school,” according to Lilly Satterfield, a student in Zeller’s advisory, said. “She knows when parties are happening, where they are, and what occurs. She also somehow knows which students are in serious relationships, having casual relations, and who is hooking up with who.”

Zeller continued her story, “When I entered the board room, it was pitch black except for a desk lamp that pointed towards the seat where I was placed,” she said. “It felt like I was being brought in for interrogation at a police station, and I quickly learned that my speculations were correct. Ruth, Dan, and Justin began firing off questions relating to student activities such as drinking and substance use. I refused to answer anything.”

The principal’s office and Mr. Brandon declined “The Weekly’s” request for comments on this article, but it has come to light that the administration is trying to crack down on non-school sanctioned events and parties outside of Parker.

“Due to my refusal to speak, I thought that I could walk free, but then Ms. Dailey wheeled in a bucket of water, towels, and water bottles,” Zeller said. “The administrators then took turns dunking my head in the water and pouring water over my head as they asked questions. It was waterboarding, just like in the movies. I felt that my civil liberties were being violated. I had the right to refuse to speak.” According to Jeanne Barr, the teacher of the Civil Liberties class, “It is a shame that the administration would violate Zeller’s civil liberties. This clearly violates the Eighth Amendment, which should protect her from cruel and unusual punishment. It goes against everything I have taught my students in class.”

Zeller ended her interview saying, “Even though I persisted in my refusal to answer any questions, I want students to remember that other teachers might not be so protective of information they have regarding outside of school student life.”