Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

It’s just another average Tuesday D period. Students rush to the basement level, room 009 for another exciting 55 minutes of home-ec with Home Economics Department Chair Patrick McHale. Students accumulate around the entrance five minutes before class, some nervous and others confident about their unit test. The bell rings, and McHale emerges from the foggy elevator, chef hat on and spatula in hand, as some students tremble in fear.

The class was implemented at the beginning of second semester after complaints were filed by Ariel Derringer, upper school parent to Rafi ‘16 and sophomore Micah. “Micah never was as good at doing laundry as Rafi,” Derringer said. “I taught Rafi, but teaching Micah was impossible. He’s too stubborn!”

“I just didn’t get why the colors and the whites had to be separated,” Micah said. “It wastes time.” The Derringers found the P.E. regulated home-ec course to be a perfect solution to their dilemma. Similar to science courses, the course is required to meet 5-days a week.

It was unclear at first who would lead the course, but then an unlikely hero emerged ready for the commitment. “It was an honor,” McHale said. “Ya know, they could have asked anybody, but I volunteered.”

Applications and advisor signatures were required to enroll in the course due to high demand. Just seven out of 86 students were chosen and admitted into the class after three weeks of consideration. Sophomore Matthew Turk said, “I was ecstatic and overjoyed to learn of my admittance into the Home-Ec course.”

An average day consists of a five minute warmup fluffing pillows, and quickly transitions into one of its 15 units, which include: laundry, cooking, baking, manners, shopping, folding, small talk, organizing, knitting I, knitting II, child-care, self defense, textiles, stationery, and most importantly, how to find a laundry detergent that works for you.

Currently, students are in the midst of Knitting I. “I’m having a hard time with my Cartridge Belt Rib stitch,” senior Grace Andrews said. “I can’t imagine how I will keep up during Knitting II.”

Next week Neil Curran will co-teach the manners unit alongside Xiao Zhang. In addition to helping out in-class, Curran and Zhang are applying the necessary skills to other aspects of Parker life. “I have made the executive decision of replacing the beep test with a manners evaluation next season,” Curran said. “I’m really aflutter to prepare these students for the soccer season.”

Zhang will be adding manners to his grading system. Zhang said, “I’m ecstatic to share my knowledge of etiquette with the students.”

Despite few negative reactions to the class, according to a survey sent out by the economics class, McHale has no plans to change course. “Whether you like it or not, the class is here to stay,” McHale said. “The future generation will be ready to live clean and self sufficient.”