Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

On January 26, Upper School students and teachers excitedly filed into the auditorium, ready for another riveting Morning Ex. As everyone sat eagerly in their seats, the lights dimmed, and the anticipation grew.

Out from the wings walked a middle-aged man, dressed in khakis and a t-shirt. Who was this man? Why did he look like he hadn’t taken a shower in a week? Was this just a post-pubescent Eugenia Cheng?

Little did the students know that for the next 40 minutes they would be witnessing pure comedic genius.

The man was Mike Maxwell, a comedy god. As a Weekly writer, I’m not supposed to be writing with bias– but it’s pure fact. He was THAT GOOD.

Junior Sammy Kagan came across Maxwell while surfing the internet. “Of course he was funny,” Kagan said. “I wasn’t gonna let some random guy ruin my– I mean, the school’s MX.”

Maxwell, according to his website, is a “world renowned comedian.” He is said to have performed at extremely notable venues, which he has yet to name.

Maxwell sums up his comedic stance in four simple words: “Clean comedy, tactfully irreverent.” He believes that humor can be found anywhere, but that there are lines that should not be crossed. Upon hearing this, the administration was furious.

Maxwell gave the administration a quick overview of the jokes he was going to tell before the show. But the meeting quickly disbanded after Principal Dan Frank told Maxwell that his jokes “weren’t rattling enough.”

“Mike’s reluctance to say any jokes that were controversial really upset me,” Upper School Dean of Student Life Christian Belizena said. “I mean, provocative is Parker’s middle name!”

Assistant Principal Ruth Jurgensen agreed, urging Maxwell to bring up the the Pub Office incident and the bananas. “Vetting expression is sooooo not our thing.”

But even with the differing opinions, Maxwell managed to provide an exceptional performance. “The comedy was truly awe-inspiring,” P.E. teacher Patrick McHale gushed. “This guy deserves an award!”

A standing ovation was led by math teacher Victoria Lee after his final joke. Performing Arts Department Chair Leslie Holland Pryor offered Maxwell her position after witnessing his riveting performance. Maxwell has yet to accept.