Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

At a recent Morning Exercise dedicated to post-graduation career options, Parker students were treated with the celebrity appearance of adult film actress Stormy Daniels.

“We wanted to send a message of career diversity,” principal Dan Frank said. “Not all of our students are going to attend four-year colleges and start traditional careers. We thought bringing in Ms. Daniels would help make all students feel more comfortable with their futures, whatever they might go on to do.”

As soon as Daniels walked onstage, she was greeted with resounding applause. Wearing a blue textured dress, the star shook her blonde hair back and blew a kiss to the audience. “Hello, Francis Parker!” Daniels said, beginning her presentation. “I’m really happy Dan invited me here today. I hope I can excite you all with my presentation today.”

“I’m a really big fan of her work,” junior Luke Grisko said. Daniels ran through a series of slides on her early career, pausing to highlight her affair with President Donald Trump. Mentioning the $130,000 she made in hush money, Daniels inspired the crowd by calling it the “most money I’ve ever made by keeping my mouth shut.”  

Danielle Slazas, member of the Morning Ex committee, spoke of how surprisingly easy it was to get Daniels to come to Parker. “We got in touch with her management, and they told us that she had been wanting to talk at a school for a while,” Slazas said. “Her story is really inspirational and she wanted to share it, and we thought it would be great for the whole Parker community to hear it. It was a win-win.”

Daniels’ presentation, which followed those of a lawyer, a doctor, and a drying paint watcher, “invigorated the crowd like no other MX I’ve ever seen,” Frank said. Even notorious Morning-Ex skipper Charlie Moog said that this was the first MX he’d gone to since 6th grade. “She’s absolutely fantastic,” Moog said, “and we are so lucky that Parker has the resources to bring such influential women to the school.”

After the presentation, however, it wasn’t all smooth sailing for the administration. Assistant Principal Ruth Jurgensen said that she received plenty of angry emails from parents due to Daniels “unconventional” career. But this, Jurgensen said, merely speaks to the importance of Daniels’ coming in the first place.

“This isn’t the type of career that Parker students are going to be exposed to by their parents,” Jurgensen said. “That’s where we come in– it aligns with our progressive philosophy to strive for diversity in all things, including career options for our students.”

Parents were reassured, however, by Daniels’ recent appearance on 60 minutes. “I was skeptical at first,” said Parker parent Michael Wood. “However, when I saw her interview, I realized she could be nothing but a good influence on my sons.”