Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

Recently, there has been a lingering aroma in the boys’ locker room. At first, I thought the sudden burst of citrus in the locker room was simply a one-time occurrence. However, after a week or so, I discovered that these smells were part of a hidden culinary experiment.

I don’t quite know how many Parker students are involved in this culinary conspiracy but it seems the amount of people is quite extensive. Initially, these culinary masterminds were solely experimenting with Mint but soon they incorporated Mango, Creme Brulee, and some sort of Fruit Medley into their work.

As I’ve tried to gain more knowledge about this secret society, I’ve encountered more and more obstacles. It is quite difficult to differentiate someone who is using the locker room as it is intended for, and someone who is using it as a kitchen. On numerous occasions, I’ve questioned individuals who appear suspicious only to find out that they are changing into gym clothes.

There was one instance when I was almost positive I caught one of the head chefs red-handed because I heard some sort of crackling noise, but as I entered the locker room, I only came across a potent stench of Mango.

It is unsettling that no one has spotted any sort of kitchen appliances.

Perhaps, these culinary artists are using technology that the culinary world has never seen before.

As time has gone on, the stench has become more and more potent. It even seems as though this culinary society is recruiting seventh and eighth graders to join their operation. Although there are many unknowns about this group of people, one thing is for sure: they are just getting started.