Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

A little more than a year from now, the vacant lot at the corner of Clark and Webster, the old Cosi, will be completely unrecognizable. Parker purchased it for 3 million dollars to further expand the Kovler Family Library.

The annex will house the books that were removed from the library and include “unique, exciting features,” according to Principal Dan Frank, like massage chairs, a coffee bar run by Quest, and a lifesize statue of Colonel Parker.

“After the renovations were made this year,” Frank said, “I realized that there was no reason to stop improving our facilities. In order to be a real progressive school, we must keep making changes that will offer our students new resources and opportunities. A school’s library is critical to fostering its children’s creativity and curiosity, so we must prioritize developing ours to give our students the tools necessary to become engaged citizens.”

The newly acquired building will be torn down over April break, and the goal is for construction to be completed by the beginning of the 2019-20 academic year. Funding for the project is being gathered from various sources. Parker will start hosting its auction annually, rather than every other year, with money from the extra benefits going towards the library’s budget. In addition, to pay for the Colonel’s statue, made of a majestic granite, the Athletic Department had to cut all fall sports.

“At first, I was outraged,” Athletic Director Bobby Starks said, “until I heard that it was to save money for the library. The Athletic Department, including our fall coaches, is fully on board. After all, an exceptional library is much more valuable than any physical activity. Even though we couldn’t hire the coaches to actually coach sports, we offered them positions working in the library instead, and every single one enthusiastically accepted.”

Chef Zac Maness also strongly supports the library expansion, despite the extra demands it will place on Quest staff. Since it will have to prepare food daily for both the cafeteria and the coffee bar across the street, it’ll have to begin even earlier in the morning — three a.m — in order to feed Parker’s student body.

“If we had to constantly pull all-nighters to make this work, we would in a heartbeat,” Maness said. “The library is integral, and the community should do everything possible to make it as phenomenal as possible. And what’s a library without a coffee bar?”

Upper School Librarian Annette Lesak is thrilled about the new library building and the benefits it will bring to the school. “Parker is definitely heading in the right direction with the Kovler Library, and I’m elated that the administration is dedicated to its success,” Lesak said. “In the future, I imagine that it can be expanded into even more of Lincoln Park.”