Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

The administration published a statement online last week officially announcing the institution’s endorsement of Benjamin Thomas Wolf as the Democratic candidate for the 5th Congressional District of Illinois. Wolf, who has visited Parker twice in the past two school years, is known as the “Cannabis Candidate” due to his staunch support of the legalization of marijuana. Other self-proclaimed accolades include service in the FBI and in Iraq and tenure serving four Secretaries of State, according to his website.

“Benjamin Wolf truly embodies the mission of our school,” the statement read. “During his visits to Parker, he has proven to us that his platforms of equality align closely with our mission. His staunch support of Israel, while upsetting the pro-Palestine members of our community, will make much of our Jewish constituency –– which comprises a large part of our school community –– happy. Furthermore, his plan to legalize marijuana would make it more accessible to our students and reduce participation in illicit activities.”

Upper School English teacher and “The Weekly” faculty adviser Matt Laufer was excited about Parker’s endorsement. “His experience as an agent in the Federal Bureau of Investigation will improve the investigative quality of our newspaper here at Parker,” Laufer said. “Maybe the administration won’t hate us anymore –– with Wolf in office, there will only be real news for ‘The Weekly’ from now on.”

Commenting on the cover picture of Wolf’s website, which features the candidate holding what appears to be a lit blunt in front of a painted rendition of the U.S. flag, photography teacher Kiley Piercy said, “His lack of use of the Rule of Thirds is something I do not advise to my students, but he still manages to capture the eyes of viewers. And the exposure! I should invite him to guest teach a class sometime.”

Hanging a “Wolf for Congress” flag in Circle Drive and draping one off the podium in the Auditorium, Principal Dan Frank said, “Benjamin Wolf is the best choice to support the strong community we have at Parker. His strong leadership qualities, honesty, and views on education and equality will do wonders for our embryonic democracy.”