Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

Earlier this morning, on March 30, Principal Dan Frank opened the annual senior talent show. Although many expected Frank to open with wise words on the passage of his students through Parker’s hallowed halls, he delivered a completely different message to the crowd — on Class Day of this year, no members of the administration will be in attendance.

Frank stated in his announcement preceding the talent show that this is due to an irregular amount of unavoidable conflicts for members of the administration on June 7. Unfortunately, Frank said in his message, he has a long-standing appointment to get his hair done for graduation, which is the day after class day this year.

“I was sitting in the back of the stage, preparing my act, and saw Dr. Frank on the podium,” senior Felix Wood said. “I was thinking, “This is kind of weird,’ but I figured he was just going to commemorate the seniors’ hard work before the show, or something. What he said instead was completely shocking.”

In the event that Frank is unable to attend Class Day, protocol requires that Assistant Principal Ruth Jurgensen make the symbolic Class Day speech instead. However, Jurgensen also has an engagement scheduled for that day — her dog has an extremely important doggy play-date.  

“Of course, we all wish we could make it to Class Day this year,” Jurgensen said. “We love the Class of 2018, and it’s nothing personal. But some conflicts are just unavoidable. If I could reschedule the play-date, trust me, I would. But this has been in the works for months. These are extremely busy dogs. When we find a time that works for them, we have to stick with it. And I will not be the mom that tells her dog he has to miss out on his play-date because of Class Day.”

Intermediate and Middle School Head John Novick doesn’t think it is a big deal that the administration will not be in attendance at this year’s Class Day. “The administration attends Class Days at other schools all over the state,” Novick said. “Cut them some slack. They’re missing one event.”

This year, the principals speech will be made by none other than Upper School science teacher and Senior Gradehead Xiao Zhang. When Frank asked Zhang, he was reduced to tears. “It wasn’t a big deal,” Frank said. “I would be making the speech if not for my hair appointment. But Zhang started bawling — he was overcome with emotion.”

Zhang is beyond thrilled with the opportunity to commemorate the Class of 2018 this year on June 7. “I am distraught that I won’t be able to learn from the wise words of Dr. Frank this year,” Zhang said, as his eyes started to water. “However, I am ecstatic that I have been given this opportunity to deliver the last speech that my seniors will hear before they walk out the doors of Parker.”

Head of the Upper School Justin Brandon is thrilled that Zhang will be giving the annual Class Day speech this year. “If it couldn’t be Dan, or Ruth, or me, I am thrilled that Xiao will be making the speech,” Brandon said. “He is excited, passionate, and a great speaker.” Brandon will not be in attendance this Class Day, as he needs to buy oreos so that the student body can enjoy “Oreo Friday” the first day of the 2018-19 school year.