Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

This past weekend, freshman Gabe Wrubel and sophomore Max Antoniou decided to quit judo after years of experience. Shortly after losing in the semi finals for the Judo World Championship, which meant neither Antoniou nor Wrubel made the #1 international judo team of the world, they decided to quit. Within a day of not practicing judo or doing some form of yoga, the two became obese.

Wrubel and Antoniou, judo sensations throughout Chicago, were featured in “The Weekly” twice. “The sport is all about who can cut the most weight the fastest,” Antoniou said. “When I lost 15 pounds for my last tournament, every person observing the sport laughed at me. It was clear at that moment that I couldn’t keep up with the best anymore. I just didn’t starve myself enough, and ultimately that’s what ended my career.”

“Yeah, Max and I are loving the new lifestyle,” Wrubel said. “Still, last week before the tournament I cut 10 pounds in a day. That’s light work, and I miss it. That’s part of the love of the sport.”

All of Wrubel’s teachers believed he was a shadow student when he walked into the classroom Monday, since he had gained so much weight in just a few days. “I mean, I just thought judo was like wrestling, but oh boy I never realized what those kids went through,” history teacher Dan Greenstone said. “Last week he was in my room looking half dead because of starvation, and today he brought in a dozen donuts from Dunkin Donuts. I was happy at the generous thought, until I realized they were not for the class.”

Antoniou is taking it much lighter. His famous USA jacket that is normally seen on his back is now three sizes too small. “It’s just hard, you know,” he said. “To not make the international team was rock bottom for me. I’ve really been into yoga lately. I think it’s my new passion.” He smiled, “But I miss my cleansing days. Not eating for days at a time, that was perfect for paying attention in class. Kept me laser-focused.”

The two of them decided to keep drinking their protein shakes in anticipation of making a comeback in the future, but since they weren’t working out, they gained more weight. “I’m done with this, man,” Wrubel said. “I’m through.”

Antoniou and Wrubel were scheduled to present an MX on their judo careers and how successful they were, but the two canceled. “I just think it’s too much on my legs right now to walk around the stage,” Antoniou said. “The stairs would be an issue.”

Long time judo coach Brett Wolf sees a future. “These guys were my studs,” Wolf said. “And they will be, mark my words. All they need is three days, and they will lose 30 pounds, back in action for weigh-in day.”

In the end, Wrubel decided to quit for good. On the other hand, Antoniou is sick of being away from judo. “I need to get back out there,” Antoniou said. “It’s time to cut weight. Tournament’s in five months. Gotta get on that diet now before it’s too late.”