Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

After decades of students complaining about having to wait 10 minutes in the cafeteria line, chocolate cookies not being warm enough, and poke bowls being too “fishy,” not to mention the whole wheat burger buns not containing enough whole wheat–Parker students have had enough.

The Food Council has conducted 5 top-secret meetings, and on Friday, March 6, Food Council chair, Rohan Jain, announced at students government that they have convinced Dr. Frank to outsource a new Chef.

After weeks of deliberation, the pool was finally cut to 4 applicants. Eugenia Chang, who uses her extensive math knowledge to accurately slice bagels. Gordon Ramsay, world renowned chef. Samuel Kagan, highschool boy who prides himself in many talents. Estelle Heltzer who simply thought it “sounded fun.”

The deciding factor for who will replace current Chef, Zach, was a private cook-off in Franks office. He began his own makeshift cooking competition by telling the contestants to make the “best pizza he had ever tasted,” with a twist! “In addition to being delicious, the slice of pizza must also be geometrically symmetrical as well as contain ingredients that are inclusive and diverse, in order to better the Parker community.”

Once Frank had made the final decision, he made a rare appearance on stage at student government. All of the students were caught by surprised as they saw the principal shuffle across the stage in his suit and tie for the first time in 2018. In his introduction Frank said, “After deep consideration by the food council and myself, we have democratically elected the new Parker Cafeteria Chef. Effective immediately, let’s give a round of applause for Gordon Ramsay.”

Having been babysat by Mike Mahany “back in the day,” it is confirmed that Ramsay intends to stock new refrigerators with Mountain Dew. Additionally, in his first year, Ramsay hopes to make the Parker cafeteria a nationally ranked restaurant, and possibly opening it up to the public. Above all he wants Parker’s cafeteria to become Michelin rated. According to Jain, Parker students have high hopes for the future menu: requests including lobster pasta, faux gras, caviar, and rare lettuce for vegans.

For additional inquiries, Ramsay has requested that students send him an email at [email protected].