Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

Despite a loss in last May’s election for Student Government President, junior Charlie Moog now presides over the Upper School Student Body – ruling with an iron fist. With the aid of Student Government Faculty Advisor Jeanne Barr and close friend Aaron Stone, Moog led a coup d’etat against the duly elected President, senior Kaden Florsheim.

“I’m honestly kind of surprised by how long it took Charlie to finally ascend to power and exert his unyielding grip on each and every student,” junior Matthew Metzler, another close friend of Moog, said. “After he lost the election, I assumed it would only be a matter of days. The fact that it took months is honestly disappointing.”

Moog began the coup last Monday, deleting an email announcing election results and the Student Government Constitution on Barr’s Google Account. Later that day, Moog ripped down a picture of Florsheim, which used to hang in Barr’s room.

When asked why she aided Moog in his government overthrow, Barr was apathetic. “Really, I just sort of helped him out of boredom,” Barr said. “After my 200th plenary session, Student Government was starting to get a little dull. I figured it was time to spice things up.”

After Moog completed his digital espionage, Stone began assembling a Cabinet to swear Moog in after ousting Florsheim – a task Moog intended to complete himself that Friday. Stone gathered notable Student Government contributors, such as freshman Matthew Garchik and junior Grayson Garelick, to serve in the new Cabinet. Garchik was recruited to serve as Moog’s seen-but-not-heard Secretary and Garelick as the administration’s Inclusion Coordinator.

With an assembled Cabinet and Barr’s full support, Moog finalized his plot to remove Florsheim. At a Student Government plenary session last Friday, Moog went up on stage and asked Florsheim to hand over his gavel – Florsheim agreed.

“When Charlie asked me to give him the gavel, I just sort of went with it,” Florsheim said. “I was confused, and he seemed to want it really badly, so who really cares?”

Moog anticipated Florsheim’s sentiments and noted that they were key his plot. “I had always counted on Kaden being willing to give it up,” Moog said. “When Aaron and I sat down to plan everything, we thought about putting together this whole elaborate plan to take Kaden out until Aaron suggested that I just ask him. It seemed easier that way.”

Now in power, Moog seeks to makes the most of the remainder of the school year to by enacting his agenda. “I’m working to make sure that Parker eliminates all poetry classes in addition to promoting as much banter as feasibly possible,” Moog said.

Conversely, Florsheim is looking forward to his time away from the metaphorical throne. “I still have some college work to finish,” Florsheim said. “And I haven’t eaten in a while, so that sounds fun.”