Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

As parents and faculty stream through Parker over the course of Tuesday’s school day, not many notice the unusual commotion in the first grade classrooms. They focus on their committee meetings and parent coffees.

In the first grade classrooms, however, six and seven–year–olds as of this winter obsess over their course load on top of their new college responsibilities: on December 14, Parker’s College Counseling Office met with first grade families to discuss the introduction of the First Grade, First Served Tutoring Program.

“We take college seriously, and in the past few years we’ve been discussing starting tutoring for younger ages to better prepare them for the process,” College Counseling Systems Coordinator Rebecca Lauer said. “Often times, students struggle with the rigorous high school workload and are unable to devote all their time to tutoring, and first graders do not have that amount of work.”

The introduction of First Grade, First Served was met with approval from various first grade families. Among others, Lower School parent Deborah Pushy now drops off her son Wayne for SAT/ACT tutoring at Academic Approach.

According to Pushy, the competition in her son’s first grade class started with the introduction of a bathroom pass. “So many other kids were fighting for that leadership position, and that’s when I saw how this class was going to react to bigger positions in the future,” Pushy said. “I’m more convinced than ever that I made the right choice with starting Wayne’s college tutoring at age 6.”

Lower school parent Tiffany Tense started tutoring for her first grader, Carly, for a slightly different reason. “I was initially against starting too early because I didn’t want Carly to have to deal with the whole process so soon,” Tense said, “but before I knew it, everyone was starting, and I didn’t want to find her so behind everyone else in a few years and have to catch up.”

College expert at Going Ivy, Dr. Adam Missions, believes that the extended period of time in which students can better prepare for their application will prove invaluable. “More time to develop your interests and hone your skills can benefit the students and boost their self esteem,” Missions said. “Academic pressure is growing and as more parents hire tutors, the environment is becoming increasingly competitive. Students who start tutoring late are only at a disadvantage.”

These words resonate with sophomore Matthew Turk, who wishes he had started college tutoring earlier. “The new tutoring program irritates me so much, because I know that any advantage I have now could have been amplified,” Turk said. “I could be into college by now, or at least sending in applications.”

Lauer agrees. “We usually don’t start tutoring until the sixth grade year, but colleges are harder and harder to get into every year,” she said. “There is no reason to wait any longer. First graders are fresh from Kindergarten and are ready to be whipped into shape. We saw the effects of our late start with last year’s senior class—only five were accepted into Yale University, for example. We don’t mess around anymore.”