Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

Students everywhere have been forced to face the glare of a projector while exposing their intellectual ability in front of their peers. But nervous sweats and shaky knees will be a thing of the past for all future Parker students. The curriculum for Junior Kindergarteners is shifting towards learning how to avoid the fear of public speaking and presenting.

The new curriculum will be called “Finessing the System,” and all JK teachers will be going through training to teach little kids how to make PowerPoints in the five minutes before class. Additionally, students will be taught how to elongate their presentations by means of a thesaurus.

JK teacher Lisa Nielson has been implementing the system in her class. Students are encouraged to learn the days of the week and basic arithmetic at home, as these subjects will be replaced by “Finessing the System.” Nielsen said, “It has been so fulfilling to be able to teach these kids something they really need to know for success.”

After continual complaints that SK students were doing research and becoming well informed before presenting, the administration decided it had to take action. “It’s important that these foundational skills are put in place for students to build upon for the rest of their Parker careers,” Head of the Lower School Kimeri Swanson-Beck said. “We have to ensure that students are not wasting precious time actually understanding topics.”

Junior Kindergartener Jozi Brandon is one of the recipients of this new curriculum. Talking about her experiences in the developing program, Brandon said, “I misplaced my computer by letting it slip out of my palms.” Despite this mishap, Brandon was able to present to her class about the intricacies of 401Ks. According to Brandon’s teachers, the entire class is creating masterful presentations about annualized premiums, the achromatic lense, and contingency funds, things Parker students previously couldn’t BS until third grade.

Junior Kindergarteners can be found typing away on school-issued Macbook computers–Apple Airpods in, Wikipedia flashing across their screens–as teachers bring around juice boxes.

Upper Schoolers unanimously agree in an anonymous survey that the “Finessing the System” curriculum would have positively impacted their Parker careers. “Yeah, if I’d learned how to finesse when I was in JK, it would have made high school so much easier,” senior Dhruv Bali said. “My whole freshman year I was trying to actually learn things before a senior taught me how to copy Wikipedia articles without getting in trouble for plagiarism.”

Parents have overwhelmingly supported the curriculum. Parents’ Association head Amy Gary said, “I’m so glad students will finally be learning real life skills at Parker.”