Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2018 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

After this past fall’s impressive run, the varsity boys’ soccer team attracted the attention of some notable brands. The team — led by coach Neil Curran — ended their season in a heartbreaking loss at the Class 1A Super Sectionals, with a score of 2-1. A week after the game, Athletics Director Bobby Starks received a call from the illustrious coat manufacturer Canada Goose, asking to sponsor Parker in the 2018 season. Canada Goose winter coats cost $900 each.

The contract was solidified March 15.

“It was a proposal we couldn’t pass up,” Starks said. “We got a few other offers from Nike and Reebok, but Canada Goose seemed the most sensible.”

In an effort to show off the fancy new uniforms to the cult that is girls’ field hockey, the soccer team has already begun their pre-preseason training. The players are overjoyed with the new Parker apparel. “I love the new jackets,” sophomore Ryan Humphrey, who has been a member of the varsity boys’ soccer team for two years now, said. “They’ll be especially useful for when we have to make the long walk from the field to the cafeteria.”

Junior and Varsity co-captain Jacob Levy seconded Humphrey’s sentiment. “Canada Goose is the best thing that ever happened to boys’ soccer,” Levy said. “When we all show up to practice in our coats, we really feel like a team.”

While the athletics department is thrilled about the wardrobe update, not all Parker students are pleased. As word of the sponsorship spread throughout the student body, protests arose. “I’m totally against Canada Goose because of their animal exploitation,” sophomore and outspoken vegan Caroline Conforti said. “Even if the jackets are super cute.”

In recent weeks, signs have popped up around the school slandering Canada Goose for its use of authentic goose fur and feathers in their coats. Additionally, members of the school’s vegan community have called for a walk-out during an upcoming MX. “I know that I’m a bit secretive about my vegan lifestyle,” junior Bella-Evan Cook said, “but I’ve really grown out of my shell with planning this walk-out.” The complaints haven’t gone unnoticed.

“We were going to serve foie gras in the cafeteria to celebrate,” Head Chef Zac Maness said, “but the administration told us to reconsider.” When made aware of the kitchen staff’s proposed entrée, Evan-Cook had some strong opinions. “It’s evil enough we serve brownies with actual dairy,” Evan-Cook said. “Does it really seem like an ethical idea to serve animal liver?”

The protests against Canada Goose have resulted in the creation of several new clubs, including the Aviary Club and the Birdwatchers of America Club. “I was so inspired by my peers to take action against the poor treatment of geese,” sophomore and President of the Aviary Club Sadie Soren said. “I never knew how stimulating bird-watching is.” Soren has since donated her multiple Canada Goose jackets to a better cause.

Although the athletics department has received negative feedback for partnering with Canada Goose, they refuse to back out of the contract. “It’s great that students are finding their voice and advocating for a cause that they care about,” Starks said. “However, Canada Goose was extremely generous when reaching out to our school. They’re a brand that truly embodies the luxury of Parker, and the coats aren’t leaving any time soon.”