Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2019 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

Following his Model Home loss, freshman Eli Kraft Moog has stepped up in the great tradition of Moog brothers to lead the student body. After little effort or planning, Moog has shaken up the students’ embryonic democracy in a coup d’etat that, according to Moog, was a “godsend.”

Annette Njei, former Student Government President, was accepting of Moog’s takeover. “Frankly, I was only surprised that Eli waited this long to usurp me,” Njei said. “When I won last year, it was made very clear to me that my democratic election was subject to the whim of the next Moog. It was really nice of him to keep me on as Head Discipliner and I look forward to continuing my work shushing the junior boys.”

Moog is already an active member of the student body as a regular Senate attendee and head for both the Morning Ex and Music committees, though this position was threatened by near impeachment. It was in Senate, Moog noted, that the initial idea for his takeover took hold. While bantering about the various problems in Student Government, Moog realized that he was the solution to the broken committee system, lack of student engagement, and interference from the administration.

“Charlie mentioned to me that he forcefully took over around this time last year, that Max was soft-launching a coup at Colorado College, and my fan club of Krafters kept suggesting I seize power, so it seemed like the right time for me to rightfully ascend,” Moog said.

Once he was sure of his idea, Moog Instagram DMed Njei on the night of Thursday, March 28, saying “It’s time.” Moog reported that there was no resistance from Annette, although an anonymous source within Moog’s new cabinet leaked that potential brainwashing techniques being used on former student government officials. “The night before Eli took over, a video was sent to all cabinet member’s inboxes of a black and white swirl spinning with a photo of his face in the middle,” the source said. “I can’t say whether or not this is why control was so willingly handed over.”

Moog was presiding over Plenary the next day, initialed gavel in hand, requesting that the plenary refer to him as Eli Kraft Moog, “like Hillary Rodham Clinton,” Moog said.

Despite being an unelected official, Moog has the highest favorability rating in Parker history at 98 percent, according to polls done by his brother Charlie Moog. “I try to be humble, but it’s fair to call myself universally beloved and adored by everyone,” Moog said. “I’m so pleased with how this all turned out that I’m buying a new water bottle sticker to commemorate the occasion.” Moog is deciding between a new Cubs sticker or a custom-cut, monogrammed ‘EKM’ sticker.

“I’m excited to add another sticker to my collection of 68!” Moog said.

Moog’s first action as President was to introduce the Moog Amendment to the Constitution, which allows any Moog to take control of Plenary at any time without any warning. Although Eli is the last Moog by birth, he is already scouting for honorary Moogs so he can create a proper succession.

Moog has attended DOCC meetings with his brother, Charlie, to scout out potential candidates to be the next Moog. “Eli Greenwald is a frontrunner for me,” Moog said, “I don’t know much about him, but I think his first name just has good energy.”
“The next Moog,” Moog said, “should pack punch, should be able to dominate, should be alpha. He should be able to scum his way through anything.”

Moog is also considering seventh-grader Benjamin Kagan, Student Government enthusiast Sammy Kagan’s younger brother. Moog is in talks with outside candidates as well, such as Theo Epstein, President of the Chicago Cubs, and Joe Biden, Former Vice President of the United States. “I was really disappointed that Bernie decided to launch a presidential campaign this year even though I offered him a position as Moog-in-Waiting,” Moog said.
“We really encourage freshmen to try one new thing per semester and so we’re all very proud of Eli for starting second semester out so ambitiously,” Freshman Gradehead and Upper School English teacher Cory Zeller said.

“The new freshman class of senators in Washington has really highlighted, for me, the ways we ignore the freshman perspective in Cabinet,” Student Government Faculty Advisor and Upper School Dean of Student Life Christina Bielizna said. “To have Eli step up and really represent this underserved demographic at Parker was inspiring. He brings a fresh, inexperienced brand of Moog that student government was really missing.”

“Oh, Eli’s in charge now? That’s nice,” Faculty Advisor Jeanne Barr said.

“Seeing Eli ascend to power really gives me hope for our broken Student Government. With such a steady hand at the helm, I feel secure in the future of Music committee, and by extension, the future of the student body,” sophomore Alex Schapiro, head of the self-proclaimed ‘Krafters’–– Moog’s fanclub. Currently, all senior boys and junior girls are members.

As for Moog’s future, he is still looking at a 2020 presidential run. “I haven’t ruled anything out yet,” said Moog, “but I think Parker still needs me, while America is not quite ready for my excellence.”

“The 43 Ward Democratic Committee has pushed for an amendment to the constitution so Eli is allowed to run, but we haven’t gotten traction yet,” said Moog’s mother and 43rd Ward Democratic Committeeman Lucy Moog. “With my sway, I’m betting we get the eligibility age to 15 in time for a strong campaign. Until this gets passed, Eli will continue his incredible work for the Parker community.”

Moog is excited to continue his work both in Student Government and in his life as a citizen. Looking forward, Moog is trying to introduce a proposal that allows alumni like his brother, Max Moog, to apply for cabinet and grants current freshmen the ability to seize MX committee control from Upper School English Teacher Mike Mahany.

“I even got to bring my new presidential perspective to Model UN,” Moog said. “It’s hard to rule Dubai from this far away, but I’m still managing great work over there.”