Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2019 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

When walking through the school, one can see Parker students doing homework, chatting with friends, or just hanging out. However, one can see almost every Parker student wearing AirPods. The wireless bluetooth earbuds, created by Apple, provide more than the ability to listen to music, but comfort and style. On March 30, from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m., Parker hosted their first AirPod Drive.

According to a poll taken by Head of Upper School Justin Brandon, 99 percent of Upper School students have AirPods, 95 percent have lost them, and 85 percent of those students emailed the entire Upper School about losing their AirPods. Parker has been collecting AirPods for around a month, and students with proof of their lost earbuds can pick up a pair for free.

“We thought this was a great idea, because so many Upper Schoolers are losing their AirPods, and they are so important to the everyday needs of a student,” Brandon said. “It is a perfect opportunity for those students to receive new ones.”

The drive will be accepting new or gently used AirPods, and the only requirement is that they come in a case. Then, after the school has collected the units, students who have lost their AirPods can pick up a pair for free. The drive collected nearly 200 pairs from donations, but additionally gathered AirPods that have been left throughout the school for a time period exceeding 48 hours.

“I am so glad Parker is finally doing this drive,” sophomore Sophia Pasquale said. “I lost my AirPods and decided to email the whole Upper School, even though I don’t go to Parker anymore. Nobody found them. If it wasn’t for the drive, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

The drive is not only for current students, but it is also available to alumni who seem to have a lot of extra free time on their hands and spend it emailing the entire school. “Even though I don’t go to Parker anymore, I am coming back to attend the AirPod drive,” AirPod loser Kaden Florsheim ‘18 said.

Pasquale and Florsheim are not alone.

“Like most people, I also lost my AirPods,” sophomore Zoey Blickstein said. “I emailed everyone, because I was hoping someone would find them.” One of the goals of the drive was to decrease the amount of all-Upper School emails sent. All AirPods look the same, making it difficult for any student to properly identify which is their own.

Brandon commented on the amount of excessive emails the Upper School is receiving. “One of the issues currently facing the Upper School is the large amount of emails,” Brandon said. “Many of them are about missing AirPods.”

A new problem that Parker is facing is that students who lost their AirPods have started emailing individuals from schools outside of Parker including The Latin School of Chicago, The University of Chicago Laboratory School, and all of the Chicago Public Schools. As a result, principals from other schools have begun contacting Parker in the hopes that the emails would stop being sent.

“I thought I would stop getting emails when I stopped going to Parker,” Jones College Preparatory School sophomore Shayna Ellis said. “I was wrong.”

“It started to get embarrassing for the school, and we began to get a reputation among Chicago schools, so the drive was one of the ways that the idea came to us,” Brandon said. “It doesn’t even make sense that lost AirPods would be in other schools.”

Since the AirPod drive, the Upper School has not received any more emails, which students considered a success.

Other students who are notorious for losing their overpriced earbuds have expressed their gratitude for the AirPod drive.“After spending weeks looking for my AirPods, I went to the drive,” sophomore and AirPod loser Leila Sheridan said. “I am thankful for Parker and their consideration towards victims of AirPod loss.”