Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2019 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

Principal Daniel Frank ‘74 announced a new Parker initiative on Friday, March 15 to name trash cans, blades of artificial grass, toilet seats, and individual wood chips after family benefactors, with the intention of encouraging donations. The money that Parker will collect through this measure will go towards purchasing seat fillers for the Spring Musical and other programs. Following the announcement, Parker families scrambled to get their names on objects for charitable tax deductions before Tax Day.

After announcing the program, Frank received criticism for not allowing parents to have their names on individual squares of toilet paper. “We thought that using squares of toilet paper would be too far,” Frank said after announcing the ability of Parker families to purchase the name of each Soup of the Day. “It’s just not eco-friendly.”

Junior Jared Saef, whose family bought the name of the now-called “Saef Family Northwest Stairwell Trash Can,” prides himself on his family’s purchase. “At the outset, many students mocked me for having my name affixed to a trash can,” Saef said. “But I now feel a sense of social superiority because I have something named after me.”

Saef, happy about his family’s purchase, implored his parents to buy a blade of artificial grass on the turf field. “Having my last name on as many objects as possible is the most important thing to me right now,” Saef said. “I walk down the hallways with a heightened self-confidence now that I own a part of the school, and I’m now exempt from discipline.”

Principals of other private schools in Chicago extolled Frank’s initiative and decided to implement similar programs at their respective schools. The Head of School at The Latin School of Chicago, Randall Dunn, started allowing Latin benefactors to purchase the names of individual kickboards at the school’s pool.

Frank and Dunn’s respective programs have led to an unprecedented revenue surge, which will dramatically increase the endowments at their respective schools by over 50%.

Parker families are less concerned with the annual tuition hike than getting their names attached to as many objects as possible. After only 28 hours, Parker parents, parents emeriti, and alumni had purchased the naming rights of every blade of artificial grass—with many families owning the name of at least twenty blades—causing Frank to sell the names of individual urinal cakes in the men’s bathrooms.

Junior Rohan Jain, whose family purchased the name of the now-called “Jain Family Center Toilet Urinal Cake in the Bathroom on the Fourth Floor by the Art Classrooms,” felt considerable relief after the announcement of “The Frank Urinal Program.” “Having ten blades of grass was not enough to raise my self-esteem,” Jain said. “I told my parents that their contributions were not satisfactory and that it was my dream to have a urinal cake named after my family.”

Jain now walks around the school with a spring in his step. “Dr. Frank’s initiatives have instilled tremendous confidence in me,” Jain said. “I finally feel like Parker’s administration respects me now that I have stuff named after my family. I still feel like I could have my last name on more objects.”

To satisfy the demand for new objects to name after Parker family benefactors, Frank, in a Morning Ex announcement, introduced a program to encourage Parker parents to buy individual pieces of the house. “I was, at first, worried that this program would send a bad message of exclusion to families,” Frank said. “But everyone has a price.”