Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2019 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

“We thy children hail thee, hail thee, Parker Alma Mater.”

According to the 2019 climate survey, a majority of Upper Schoolers believe that this familiar tune at Class Day is counterproductive to the institution’s progressive endeavors, and doesn’t accurately reflect the Parker Mission Statement. Advocates for a change in tradition claim that the anthem is “too old” and “makes them want to take a fat nap.” When asked his opinion on the matter, Senior Luke Grisko said, “Wait…we have a school song? Bet.”

In order to offset a lack of school spirit, new candidates for music committee, in response to the original committee’s impeachment, have built their campaign on the idea of replacing the iconic Parker graduation song with a more relatable anthem.

“‘Super Rich Kids’ by Frank Ocean is the obvious choice,” said freshman Eli Moog, running for Music Committee as a candidate for re-election.

Signs that read “super rich kids with nothing but loose ends, super rich kids with nothing but fake friends” hang around the school in order to attract voters.

According to a poll by an anonymous senior boy, Moog’s committee is predicted to win the special election. “We’re simply adjusting the environment to better suit our audience,” said Moog, “Fake friends? I mean come on—it’s Parker.”

Moog has secured the sophomore vote, as seen in the snapchat stories of sophomore girls at Las Fuentes on a seemingly random Tuesday night featuring the line “too many bottles of this wine we can’t pronounce.” Members of French Cultures I and II resonated particularly with this line of the proposed anthem, according to the survey.

From variations of the Paleo diet to “energizing” juice cleanses, strict diet and exercise regimens have become a distinct part of Parker culture. According to the rules of the Paleo diet, followers must adhere to a diet that resembles what hunter-gatherers ate thousands of years ago—thus, lucky charms are off the table. “It is unlikely that you will see student’s with bowls of sugary cereals, which is why we don’t serve lucky charms in the cafeteria,” said Chef Zach. Parker students often prefer “bowls of green” as a healthy alternative, a sentiment channelled in the Ocean song. Allegedly, the most delectable of these are enjoyed in the Upper School locker rooms.

The line in the song that reads, “maids come around too much, parents ain’t around enough,” rings oh-so-true for the many Upper Schooler who noted in the “additional comments” portion of the survey that they had been raised by their Eastern European cleaning ladies, while their parents disappeared to far-off vacation homes in Aspen and Palm Beach.

“The essence of Parker is captured perfectly by Frank Ocean in this toe-tapper, and I am confident that the Castaldi Choir would do a wonderful job at Class Day,” said Principle Dan Frank, who is in full support of this alteration. “With such a dramatic change, we would take the lead in the decade-long Latin-Parker Rivalry. They serve sushi in their cafeteria; we serve sushi in our cafeteria. They do Project week, with extravagant trips across the globe, we send kids to ride camels in Dubai for Model UN.” Frank doubts that the Latin School of Chicago possesses enough creativity to find another anthem which could epitomize the well-endowed private educational institution.

“There’s a lot of super rich kids here,” said Frank, “We’re just being transparent.”