Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2019 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other editorializations are entirely fictitious. 

“Last call,” cried the tired bartender as she struggled to get her voice over the huge crowd of people who have filled the pub throughout the night. A sign reading “pub office” has been taped over with a sign written “Parker’s Pub,” and the small room has been crowded with booths and tables, all full of energetic bar-goers. These people may have gone into a classic Chicago pub another night, but tonight they celebrate at Parker’s Pub.

Parker’s Pub isn’t just known for its odd location and Parker Weekly’s lining the walls, but for the experiences had by its customers. “I’ve really never seen an atmosphere like it,” said Gym Teacher Pat McHale. “Everyone at this place always looks happy. It brings tears of joy to my eyes just thinking about it.”

Although the Pub is known for their great selection of drinks such as the Morning Ex Margherita and the Drury Daiquiri, they’re even more known for their food options. Francis Parker’s Head Chef Zac Maness always brings up a variety of snacks for the place, including mini-sliders, jumbo nachos, and his now famous curly fries.

“We really love getting feedback from the students on our cuisine,” Maness said, “but in the pub it’s a whole different level. Wheeling the food into the pub with the roaring applause and cheering, it really gives you a whole new sense of purpose.”

Bartender and math teacher Vicky Lee has noticed the pub’s charm as well. “I think you have to attribute the pub’s popularity to how welcoming it is,” Lee said. “People are always turning to other booths to talk to one another, and people seem to care about not getting too wild, and treating the place with respect.”

Like any other place, the pub puts on special deals and events from time, which usually bring in even bigger numbers. Half off margaritas are on Thursday, free wings are given out to lucky customers on Friday, and Saturday brings in a special performance from upper school Science Teacher Xiao Zhang and his band “The Force of Rock.” The Band originates from similar acts, such as Principal Dan Frank and “The Colonel’s,” and upper school English teacher Bonnie Sebold and her band “The Oxford Comma.”

Although the pub stays open until 2 a.m., the employees make sure to clean it diligently early in the morning, so that it doesn’t make a mess for Parker students the next school day.

The administration put out a statement soon after the pub opened that bottles were strewn through the pub and into the hallway “does not reflect Parker’s commitment to a safe learning environment.”

Senior Cole Aldeguer, who has heard about the pub more and more this year, reflected on why the place might not be the best for the school. “ I think the idea is really cool and people seem to be loving it,” Aldeguer said. “However, I think it’s gonna make problems for the school that a school shouldn’t have to deal with.”

Although Aldeguer doesn’t love the idea of it, some students have a fondness for it, which makes problems for the pub because of its 21 and older age limit. Several students have been caught trying to sneak in, creating problems for the pub which is watched over by Parker’s own security team. “The security is indubitably superb,” said junior Matthew Turk, who has been caught multiple times trying to sneak in.

The pub was established in 2018, but parents and faculty have discussed its opening for years. Principal Dan Frank believes the pub will work to bring the Parker community closer together. “Parker should be a place for people to share experiences in every way possible,” said Frank. “I believe that if this happens over beer and good food, then so be it.”