Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2019 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

On January 30 and 31, temperatures reached far below zero, making it dangerous for those in the midwest area to go outside. Chicago was ten degrees colder than Antarctica. While Parker students took two days off, a pipe within the Kovler Family Library burst.

Librarian Annette Lesak walked into the library following the recent polar vortex and found the pipe had burst and caused water to be released into the library and flood.

“When we first saw the damage we were really frustrated because all of the hard work on the new library had been ruined,” Lesak said. “We came up with the waterpark idea after one of the books from the Story Studio had traveled down a stream into the TIDES Garage.”

Following recent renovation to the library before the 2017-18 school year, the library will be upgrading again. This time, instead of adding more screens and speakers, the library will be adding slides and pools.

The library will feature a lazy river, a pool, a splash pad, and a tipping bucket. “We really wanted the design to include everyone,” said JK-5 Librarian Mary Catherine Coleman. Various features were designed by a collaboration between the Upper School Architecture class and lower school classes.

The Library will retain the name of the Kovler Family Library, as there still are books. The books will be moved to the far corner of the library near the entrance by the stairs. “We’ve made it so that the students who do want to read will be able to because there’s still books, but others can relax and have fun,” said Lesak

In addition to the five million dollars spent on the most recent renovation, another five million dollars will be spent adding the features of the waterpark.

“The main space will be converted into pool and slide space, surrounded by a lazy river,” said Lesak, “The TIDES Garage will become the Tide Garage, and we are planning on installing a wave pool.”

Though the known cause of the flood was a burst pipe, it all fits into a plan for Head of School Dan Frank. “Years ago, I had a dream to build a river that would run right through the campus,” said Frank, “The recent water feature that appeared in the library was simply a test I engineered to see which way the water would best flow.”

The story studio will become a lounge area where swimmers can grab towels and pool toys. The study rooms will be turned into shower and changing stalls. The librarians will be monitoring the stalls in the same way as they did with the study rooms so that no more than one person is in each one. They will also be implementing strict rules to make sure that those who are using the stalls are quiet at all times as not to disturb the lower school classes using the waterpark.

The library will be used as a way to further Parker’s mission of progressive education. “We want to value all the different learning styles in the Parker community,” Frank said. “The hope for the new library will be that those who are kinesthetic learners will have more resources for them to use.”

Some teachers aren’t so excited about the new renovations. “I really don’t think that the mix of the library’s new technology and water is going to go too well,” said Upper School Computer Science Teacher Aaron Lee.

Many hope that in this new library, students, and faculty will be able to eat. Lesak is trying to work with Chef Zac Maness and Parker’s Quest Foods staff to install a juice or a shaved ice bar.

The renovations started immediately after February break and will finish in time for Parker Summers camps to use. “I’m very excited about this,” Coleman said. “The renovations are going swimmingly.”