Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2019 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

The weekend is a time to relax, catch up on homework, and spend time with family. The weekend is also the epitome of high school social life, especially for a group of sophomore girls.

The 15 and 16-year-olds enjoy documenting their expensive meals and exotic drinks at Chicago’s most over-posted restaurants on social media platforms, like Snapchat and Instagram. Last Saturday, the social media stratosphere experienced an unusual absence of such weekly excursions, and students became concerned.

“I was actually pretty worried,” sophomore Matthew Garchik said, visibly suppressing tears. “I usually start seeing pictures on their Snapchat stories at around 8:00, so I thought maybe something awful happened. I was relieved to find out they were okay.”

“I was shocked that I didn’t see any pictures or videos,” sophomore Ethan Butler-VanderLinden said. “What if they went to a restaurant that every other teenage girl in the city of Chicago goes to? I guess we’ll never know.”

Trendy restaurants like “Summer House Santa Monica” in Lincoln Park and “3 Arts Cafe” in the Gold Coast have gained popularity among high school students in recent years after an increase in social media exposure, particularly with teenage girls looking to have some (completely legal) fun.
The blue and purple walls of “Jellyfish” in the Gold Coast are an Instagram classic. The catchphrase “rosé all day” in neon red cursive lettering on the wall of “The Hampton Social” in River North fills the feeds of fiends across the city. The sophomore posse normally spams social media platforms of similar looking restaurants in the 12-hour period after their dinners. This time, however, the girls were quick to use social media to explain the post-free night.

Sophomore Maddie Mendeloff was the first to clear the air on Sunday morning regarding the lack of posts. “Hate it when my parents refuse to drive me to dinner,” Mendeloff said via Snapchat Story, including multiple eye-rolling emojis to express her annoyance. “Sorry I couldn’t make it to girls night!”

Fellow sophomore Scarlett Pencak experienced similar transportation complications. “I Uber everywhere, and my mom told me I’d already spent too much money this month on ubering,” Pencak said. “I’ve never set foot on the CTA, and I don’t really know any other neighborhoods except Lincoln Park, so I decided to stay home.”

In addition to app malfunctions, sophomore Olivia Lansburgh experienced serious technical difficulties. “I actually went out to dinner with my friends, but my phone died on the way there, and I left my charging case at home,” Lansburgh said. “Otherwise, you would’ve known I was at ‘Las Fuentes’ dancing with our waiter.”

Some didn’t experience technical difficulties at all but rather chose not to post. “I’m on a Snapchat detox right now,” sophomore Nathalie San Fratello said. “It’s below me.”

The girls’ lack of Saturday night posts raised concern with parents, as well. “I follow all the girls on social media,” one Parker mother said, who wished to remain anonymous. “I like to comment on their posts, so I was a little nervous when I didn’t see anything online. I even had some after-dinner fun planned back at my house for when they came home.”

Many sophomore girls vow that they’ll be more diligent next time they go out. “From now on, I’ll always be prepared for any type of problem,” sophomore Scarlett Pencak said. “I’ll bring my backup iPhone 8 Plus, just to be safe.”

Like Pencak, Lansburgh has a foolproof plan for next weekend. “Before I go out, I’ll stop using my phone so I have as much battery as possible when I leave,” Lansburgh said. “I’ve learned it’s super important to post every part of your night on Snapchat because, clearly, everyone cares.”