Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2019 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

In a move contradictory to the school’s inclusive mission, Principal Daniel B. Frank ‘74 announced Friday that Parker would move to become all-female in the coming years. Although the reason for the shift remains undisclosed, it is rumored to be a result of the conversations surrounding gender that took place in the first week of March, which sparked controversy within the school community.  

“We’re going to eliminate the male gender from the school community entirely,” Frank said. “There are two reasons for this. First, these conversations about gender are incredibly uncomfortable to have. Second, our Gender Week findings have revealed that toxic masculinity is a problem within our walls that cannot be solved without a seismic shift in our practices and school culture. So how are we going to address it? We are going to shut. It. Down.”

Rather than occurring gradually, Frank said, the re-enrollment contracts of every male in the school would be revoked for the upcoming school year. There is, however, one caveat: any male student who could last until June without displaying any behavior that could be considered “toxic,” subversive” or “dominant” would be offered a spot for the 2019-2020 school year.

“I can’t believe it,” sophomore Matthew Garchik said. “I have to undermine my toxic masculinity or leave the school? Unreal. Absolutely unreal.”

The move was largely not advised by the Chicago Alliance Against Sexual Exploitation (CAASE), the organization with which the school worked over the course of Gender Week. “We encouraged the school to confront its gender-related issues,” Shalini Mirpuri, the CAASE representative who worked with the girls during Gender Week, said. “I planned two months’ worth of training over the summer for all faculty and staff. But the administration would rather eliminate the problem altogether than come in extra to address it.”

 Assistant Principal Ruth Jurgensen, however, was thrilled with the idea. “I love killing traditions in this place,” Jurgensen said. “This one just happened to align with both my personal agenda and the school’s progressive philosophy.”

Many male students do not know where they will matriculate once the change occurs. “Where am I supposed to go,” freshman Aydin Ozbek said, “public school?”

 Junior Jenna Ehrhart was concerned about the potential rise in girl-on-girl crime in the absence of male students. “I don’t know,” Ehrhart said. “I’m a little nervous that the girls won’t support each other when bad stuff happens. Because that’s a situation we’ve never seen before in the school.”

Other rumored changes include the school’s name becoming “Francesca W. Parker” and the alleged addition of a Gender Studies graduation requirement. The “toxic masculinity” workshop from Gender Week will become a yearlong required course so that students can “learn firsthand about the dangers of toxic masculinity and how to speak out against the phenomenon outside the Parker Bubble,” according to the 2019-2020 Program of Studies.