Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2019 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

Former Upper School Spanish teacher Mark Hernandez consults on Energy Medicine for Women and Pets. Upper School art teacher Travis Chandler plays in a band. Upper School history teacher Dan Greenstone creates podcasts. Former Upper School English teacher Matt Laufer? He produces his very own brand of Chia Pets.

“Leaves of Lauf,” as the veteran teacher calls them, are small pots filled with soil and chia seed. On top of the base rests a ceramic bust of Laufer with holes in his scalp. When the chia seed grows, it fills in the spaces – giving the appearance that the chia plants are the statue’s hair.

“It all started when I got into a screaming match with one of my juniors,” Laufer said. “I asserted that her interpretation of Daisy’s symbolic meaning in Chapter 7 of ‘The Great Gatsby’ resembled the work I was completing in pre-school. She told me I looked like Bob Ross.”

Unfamiliar with Ross, Laufer found the painter’s name in book 182 of his Encyclopædia Britannica collection. The book noted Ross’s profitable “side hustle” of selling plants in his image and, according to Laufer, “the rest is history.”

“Matt developed an unhealthy obsession for the plants with surprising speed,” award-winning Laufer expert Maya Sanghvi ’18 said. “He sold me his car at a $20,000 loss just to make space for more Chia Pets.”

Laufer constructs each of his Leaves of Lauf by hand, spending upwards of two hours on every ceramic topper. Though the Better Business Bureau notes that the pieces are liable to break and often scare children, others are proud of Laufer’s artistry.

“From what I hear, Matt’s really only sleeping 15 minutes a night at this point,” Upper School English teacher Bonnie Seebold said. “There’s a real devotion to his craft which makes me proud to have heard his name in the hallways once or twice. I went through a similar phase back in the ’90s.”

After he reached 200 units, Laufer set up a website for the project – mattscraftshed.biz. On the website, one may purchase Leaves of Lauf, copies of Laufer’s unfinished book about his easily perturbed grandfather, and college essays.

“The whole ‘college essay’ thing was never supposed to be a part of the Matt’s Craft Shed brand,” Laufer said, “but I couldn’t keep a job and spend 23 hours and 45 minutes a day pursuing my passion, so I needed to find some alternative sources of income.”

Senior Luke Grisko is a fan of Matt’s Craft Shed and currently stands as Laufer’s top––and only––customer. “I wasn’t originally, like, gonna look at buying the plants because I try not to order that kind of stuff from the internet,” Grisko said, “but when I saw the ornate craftsmanship of Mr. Laufer’s self-portrait sculptures or whatever, I decided that this was the time to make an exception.”

Grisko has purchased over three-dozen Leaves of Lauf and uses them in “basically every aspect” of his life. “I like to crash house-warming parties on the weekends, so it’s always good to have a few pots in my trunk,” the senior said.

Inspired by Laufer’s success, Upper School math teacher Wendy Olt is trying to cash in as well. Olt wore a Bob Ross wig “as a fun Halloween thing in college” and “thought she looked pretty good.”

“Honestly you should have seen me. I was fantastic,” Olt said. “People around the world deserve to grow their own Wendy Olts, and I’m so glad to be leading the charge.” Unlike Laufer, Olt has managed to keep her job at Parker – enlisting her students to build products rather than completing the task herself.

“There isn’t much math involved,” freshman Ryan Toulouse said. In addition to working on her plants, Olt gave Toulouse a stick-and-poke tattoo of her web address “for promotional purposes.”

“My mom wasn’t that happy when I came home with ‘wendyinajar.ru‘ on my forehead,” Toulouse said, “but once I explained the cause, she was completely on-board.”

Laufer doesn’t approve of Olt’s tactics. “Wendy’s a hack,” Laufer said. “What makes Leaves of Lauf so special is that they’re all made by me, the beloved Matt Laufer. The stuff her kids are churning out is absolute garbage.”

In the near future, Laufer hopes to expand Leaves of Lauf to brick and mortar locations. He’s pitched the product to Paper Source, Borders, Barnes and Noble, Radio Shack, Office Depot, Home Depot, Jewel-Osco, Mariano’s, Staples, Target, Walmart, Whole Foods, Best Buy, Blockbuster, Trader Joe’s, Walgreens, CVS, Duane Reade and Food Mart, to no avail.

“Screw them. Who needs them? I never liked shopping for plants at Radio Shack anyway,” Laufer said before flipping over a chair in the interview room. “I’ll take my business to Guitar Center.”

Interested parties may purchase Leaves of Lauf at mattscraftshed.biz for $68.70 a piece, plus a $35 shipping fee. “Bill Clinton and his cronies corrupted the postal system,” Laufer said. “So I deliver every plant myself on my son’s bicycle.”