Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2020 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

“On your mark, get set, espresso!” 

Ten students kneel in a line on the corner of Clark and Webster, ready for a new and high-stakes competition. Starbucks baristas, whistles and whipped cream containers in hand, count down until the start of the competition. The students start to sprint as soon as the whipped cream can is shot into the air. Participants return as soon as possible with drinks for their peers. 

Tuesday, March 31, Parker hosted the first annual Starbucks Mobile Order Pickup Competition. The Starbucks consumption rate at Parker per student is approximately three times as large as any other school in Chicago, so, with some brainstorming from the administration, the most practical decision was to turn this caffeine addiction into a community-building activity. Participants begin at Parker, run to Starbucks, collect four full drink trays, and successfully bring them back to Parker to their respective drinkers. Any drinks dropped or spilled disqualify the participant who drops them.

“So many students at Parker drink Starbucks and constantly bring back dozens of mobile orders each day, so it only made sense to turn it into a competition,” Upper School Dean of Student Life Joe Bruno said. “It really helps foster the kind of competitive community we’re looking for and focuses the kids on important values, like caffeine.” 

Senior Senna Gardner, the winner of the competition, practiced for years in advance to perfect her drink-carrying abilities. She’d been racing in practice runs during G and H periods, where participants would be timed by Bruno during their trips to Starbucks.

“I go to Starbucks two to three times a day,” Gardner said, “which was great practice for the competition. I’ve gotten so used to the hustle and bustle of collecting mobile orders for students who want to stay at school, so I felt that I had a good shot at this contest.”

The competition took place in the morning and classes were canceled so all students could watch the race. Each student was encouraged to place a Starbucks order, which would be brought back to them by a participant. 

“We had to make sure that there were enough drinks for each participant to bring back,” Bruno said. “Starbucks was extremely appreciative and excited. This was almost as much business as they get on extended advisory days.”

Senior Adele Lowitz was the runner up of the competition but still enjoyed it. “I am a big Starbucks coffee drinker, so entering the contest was a no brainer,” Lowitz said. “I usually go at least twice a day. The competition was tough, but it has encouraged me to speed up my Starbucks run time. I can always be faster. I think I came in second because I generally go before and after school too often.”

After overwhelmingly positive feedback from students, Bruno has already put plans in place for the contest next year, increasing its size and turnout. “We have already secured a date for next year, and we hope to have a fan bus for parents in addition to more participants,” Bruno said. “I’m sad our two frontrunners will have graduated, but I’m eager to see who takes their place. This contest is becoming a wonderful Parker tradition.”