Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2020 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

With fingers trembling, beads of sweat collecting above his upper lip, and the ginger hairs on his forearms standing erect, senior Tomas Catoggio, better known by his pseudonym, Lil Spooky, perches on a wooden bench within circle drive, recounting the events of Friday, March 6 with a Chicago Police officer.

“It happened really fast,” said Catoggio, subconsciously stroking his neck in the absence of his diamond-encrusted “Lil Spooky” necklace. 

On the night in question, Catoggio was on his regular drive to the residence of an anonymous female when he noticed a Kay Jewelers in his peripheral vision. As a self-proclaimed jewelry guru, Catoggio jumped at the opportunity to go jewelry shopping. “I found a lit parking spot right outside the store, so I was like, why not? I needed a new earring, anyway.” said Catoggio, pointing to the diamond stud in his ears, “I’m getting bored of this one.”

Although Catoggio typically prefers online retailers that are “not sketchy at all” which sell “high quality Lil Spooky merchandise,” he decided to take a chance on Kay Jewelers: “I was wondering if they’d have a purple diamond ghost anklet to match my future purple Lil Spooky tattoo, or maybe a Lil Spooky bracelet which would look absolutely fire with my Gucci watch,” said Catoggio.

As Catoggio entered Kay Jewelers, he was dissatisfied with the limited selection of jewels. “The vibe was not it, you know what I mean?” said Catoggio, “when the time comes to have a wifey, I’ll need one of those wedding rings, but I was just looking for some dope Lil Spooky merch. I already have 4 rings on my fingers, but I’ve got more to fill.” Despite being initially underwhelmed by Kay Jewelers’ diamond-encrusted merchandise, Catoggio circled each of the enclosed glass cases to ensure that they did not hold any hidden gems. After realizing that there were no rings suited for 17-year-old boys seeking to “flex,” Catoggio returned to his father’s Porsche empty handed, where he was met by a figure in a dark ski mask. 

The unidentified man in the ski mask subsequently held a gun to the head of Parker’s revered Lil Spooky, and forced him to relinquish each of his jewels, one-by-one. “They started by taking my beloved Lily Spooky necklace,” Catoggio refers to his white gold-plated necklace with a diamond-encrusted ghost emoji pendant, the smile of which is comprised of rubies and the eyes of which are accented with black diamonds. If resold, the estimated cost of this fine-crafted rare jewelry item can be as high as $3000. 

“Next were my rings, which have been so good to me. Honestly, they’re a part of my personality,” Catoggio disclosed to the Chicago Police Department in his statement. Collectively, the price of his rings (including a speciality Lamborghini tire and black diamond encrusted ring), necklace, diamond earrings, Gucci watch, diamond encrusted bracelets, solid gold belly ring, matching solid gold anklet, and 10 toe rings engraved with individual letters to spell “Lil Spooky,” is estimated to exceed $10,000. According to Cotaggio, the robbery was “a bummer, but there’s plenty more where that came from.”

The Chicago Police Department has released a statement saying that they are “doing all that is in their power to catch this dehumanizing jewel thief,” but they have yet to determine the identity of the man in the ski mask.