This week, as the entire planet heats up, inevitably leading to the destruction of life as we know it and as North Korea creates more nuclear weapons each day, I think that it is time to reflect. GET IT? Without further ado, let’s learn a little more about the greatest reflecting device that has ever existed, besides the phrase “What about Barack Obama?”: Mirrors.

Mirrors bring a tremendous amount of joy. Mirrors show smiles. Mirrors show love. Mirrors are the spiritual center of the human race. Mirrors are angelic. Mirrors are divine. Mirrors are like Jesus, except they can’t walk on water. Mirrors like to have fun. Mirrors are shy and have intense social anxiety that prevents them from participating in most group activities, both socially, but also at school. Mirrors are like friends. Mirrors can lie sometimes. Mirrors say things that aren’t true, like that they like peaches when really they prefer pears. Mirrors know that most people don’t see that as a big deal, but they think that it is a very big deal. Mirrors are like, “That’s just not true.” Mirrors say that a lot.

Mirrors don’t respond well to criticism. Mirrors are self-conscious about the curvature of their glass. Mirrors break when they see numbers they don’t like. Mirrors think that the number 57 is dangerous and that anytime you see a 57, you have to punch a wall and then do a little dance, whereby the Holy Curvature God atones your grave sins and you go on with your life being a mirror. Mirrors have 50% extended time on the ACT.

Mirrors let spirits out when you speak to them, like Bloody Mary. Mirrors know that Bloody Mary is just a misunderstood widow who doesn’t know that her husband died in Vietnam and wanders from mirror to mirror in search of her lost love. Mirrors break when they are scared. Mirrors curve when they are under pressure. Mirrors only get drunk on Tuesday at 3:00 p.m. Mirrors are waiting until marriage. Mirrors are bicurious, but they don’t want to experiment because their friends are super judgemental. Mirrors don’t know that they’ll be OK and that other mirrors really don’t care at all because they are also worrying about being bicurious and they’re all lost together.

Mirrors want to be apples. Mirrors admire the qualities of apples. Mirrors like that apples are round and that light doesn’t reflect off of apples. Mirrors like that apples were alive once. Mirrors wonder if apples have little hearts, and everytime you bite down on an apple, it is in a tremendous amount of agonizing pain.

Mirrors don’t like their job. Mirrors work 16 hour shifts, sitting and staring at self-conscious 17-year-olds fixing their hair for 57 minutes in the bathroom of a Culvers in rural Wisconsin because their mom is making them go to a college interview at Xavier University WHICH ISN’T EVEN IN WISCONSIN and they really don’t want to go, so they’re just sitting in the bathroom and waiting it out. Mirrors all have this collective experience on a daily basis. Mirrors ignore SADD and often partake in destructive decisions. Mirrors get jealous when they see others juuling in the bathroom.

What’s the moral of the story today? When you’re looking at a mirror, you’re really looking at your whole beautiful self. Now it may seem like this article is pointless at this point, much like the Iraq War. There doesn’t seem to be an objective. Just as the Bear says in the Big Blue House, “Have you ever really stopped to think about what it means?”

BUT! Remember how I was talking about bathrooms? Parker has a serious bathroom issue. Is it lack of feminine hygiene products? Is it the fact that there are few gender-neutral bathrooms for non-gender-binary-conforming students? Is it that the amount of water that we use is ridiculous and it, along with the death of ALL OF THE SPECIES ON EARTH, is leading to mass ecological shift that results in literally everything being on fire? (Side note: EVERYTHING is on fire. California, Australia, the Amazon Rainforest. We have a lot of issues, just generally, but also around the insane amount of fire that’s happening.)

NO! The issue regarding bathrooms at Parker is the fact that the gap between the bathroom wall and the stall divider is too big. And to connect it back to mirrors, the BLUE TILES ARE REFLECTIVE SO YOU CAN SEE PEOPLE CRACK THROUGH THE CRACK!

Now, is this the biggest issue facing Parker? YES, OBVIOUSLY! I demand a two million dollar renovation project to renovate ALL of the bathrooms with the goal of eliminating two issues. First, we must decrease the space between the wall and the stall divider. Second, we must de-reflectify the reflective blue tiles on the wall. And we should also install 3-D printers for good measure. 

These solutions will fix the greatest epidemic facing our nation: Coronavirus People seeing me doing things that I do not want them seeing me doing. This is well within Parker’s budget, it would create a safer and more inclusive learning environment, and, most importantly, it is ultimately futile: a lengthy discussion that will result in no change actually being created. That’s the Parker way!