Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2020 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

The Colonel. The Parker mascot, an oversized, bobble-head-like, old caucasian man, has struck fear in opponents and lower school students for decades.  The original Parker mascot was first introduced in the 1940s, former PE teacher Pat McHale said. “It was my first year at Parker, and there was no better way to cheer on the football team than with an original depiction of our founder.” 

In September 2018, Head of Upper School Justin Brandon announced the Colonel had been abolished “in order to make way for one that better encompassed the student experience.”  He said a new mascot would be revealed soon. After much anticipation, Parker revealed the new mascot at the annual Blue Out game. With much fanfare, the Kernel entered the McGrath Phillips Arena, made a half court shot, and won free tuition from Latin’s raffle. 

Brandon shared that a Parker consultant suggested a more inclusive mascot. The school hoped to better address cases of potential trauma. “The Colonel’s excessive spray tan gave me flashbacks to President Trump,” Sammy Kagan ‘19 said. 

After a year of discussion, Principal Dan Frank decided to make a change in hopes of increasing inclusivity––and decreasing nightmares––by changing the Parker mascot from the literal Colonel to an Eagle at the beginning of the 2019 school year. Despite the best of intentions, the Eagle never captured the hearts and minds of the Parker community. The administration believed it would be best to change the mascot once again and created a student-led search committee for the new mascot. The search committee considered many options, including a dad holding money, the pride flag, and Beyoncé, but ultimately decided on the Kernel.

The Kernel, Parker’s new mascot, was selected as the all inclusive symbol of the Francis W. Parker School. Standing at 6’3” with a tan complexion and the body of a popcorn kernel, the Kernel embodies Parker’s goal of diversity, equity, and inclusion. “By making our mascot corn, it displays our cultural competency and shows we value all cultures,” Principal Dan Frank said. 

The symbolism of diversity is clear on numerous levels. Corn can be white, yellow, red, purple or blue. Corn can be eaten in hundreds of different preparations, and is utilized by cultures around the world. Corn preparations include sweet corn, popcorn, tortillas, polenta, chips, cornmeal, grits, corn oil, and even the nutritionally void high-fructose corn syrup. Food is a significant part of what makes every culture both distinct and accessible, and the presence of Kernel demonstrates that Parker wants each individual to find a sense of identity within the school culture. 

Kernel also embraces the recent trend of plant-based lifestyles. This trend is not just peaking in Hollywood, but also at Parker, where vegetarian diets have spiked in recent years. Close to 10% of Parker students claim to be dedicated vegetarians, and of that 10%, more than half are fully plant-based vegan eaters. Kernel is far more appealing to students concerned with animal welfare and preserving the environment, as plant-based diets significantly decrease carbon output worldwide. 

Parker has worked tirelessly to be safe for those students with allergies over the past five years, and Kernel fits within this initiative. Feather and animal allergies are a significant concern not addressed by the Eagle. Following a student survey that revealed more than 35% of Parker students suffered from dust mite allergies, it was clear that the Eagle was not inclusive of this part of the Parker community. As the prevalence of a corn allergy is 1% of the general population, the Kernel is a far more inclusive, and less sneeze inducing, member of the Parker community. In addition to this, very few members of the Parker community will eat Eagle.  

While Parker students have not fully embraced Kernel yet, parents and alumni have spoken about their new love for the mascot on Facebook. “I wish Parker taught me how to be this inclusive when I was at Parker! Math has never seemed less important!” said alumnus and Upper School math teacher Christopher Riff. Parker parents have gone as far to engage with online trolls to defend the new mascot. When a Latin mom commented “L.O.L.” on a Parker Instagram post, parents rushed to defend the mascot. 

Upper School Dean of Student Life Joe Bruno had to give a lecture at a Morning Ex about sportsmanship after a Parker parent responded “at least our mascot doesn’t mock those of Italian descent.”

While Parker has moved onto its third mascot in three years, the Kernel is here to stay. Embraced by the majority of the Parker community, the Kernel hopes to leave its mark on Parker as a symbol of diversity for generations to come.