Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2020 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

Monday, March 30. 12:15 p.m. A gavel bangs against an oak desk. Two adults in opposing aisles silently exit the courtroom, files in hand, lawyers in tow. They leave the Circuit Court of Cook County without exchanging a syllable or a sideways glance. Senior Stephen Brainerd trails behind. The hearing to determine Brainerd’s custody between Jeanne Barr and Matt Laufer has been set for mid-April.

Brainerd climbs solo into the back of a black SUV and begins his Calculus homework from February. The Uber will take him from the Harrison Street courthouse to his new home at 330 W. Webster Ave., where he’s been sleeping on the fourth-floor publication office couch for months. 

“The custody battle between Ms. Barr and Mr. Laufer has been tough,” Brainerd said. “I just hate seeing two people fight that have taken such great care of me. It’s clear they both want to adopt me but are completely unwilling to co-parent.”

The legal battle began nearly two months ago when Upper School history teacher Jeanne Barr—Brainerd’s advisor of one year—accused Upper School English Department Chair Matt Laufer—Brainerd’s knight in shining armor—of negligence.

“Stephen had stopped showing up to advisory,” Barr said, “and when I went to look for him, I found that he was in the library waiting to show up halfway through his work for Matt Laufer’s Poetry elective—a first-semester course. Matt should’ve known where Stephen was. It’s despicable.” 

Laufer denies the allegations. “Jeanne has the whole story wrong,” Laufer said, gesticulating with his signature Precise V5 Extra Fine Pilot pen. “Stephen was getting food in the cafeteria. I think he was tired of only being fed cereal and popcorn.”

Brainerd’s history with Barr and Laufer dates back to September 2016, when he entered the Upper School. Brainerd’s older sister, Alexandra, was an Editor-in-Chief of “The Parker Weekly,” the school newspaper formerly overseen by Laufer. Brainerd was a pupil in Laufer’s Newspaper Production elective for two years and later enrolled in his American Literature class. 

Simultaneously, Brainerd was enrolled in Barr’s Crimes Against Humanity course during his sophomore year and was a delegate in the Upper School Model United Nations club, advised by Barr. 

“I love Mr. Laufer,” Brainerd said, “but I think he was getting a little jealous of how much time I was suddenly spending with Ms. Barr.”

Brainerd declined during the fall of his senior year when the tension between Barr and Laufer intensified. The two humanities teachers could be seen yelling at one another in the hallways between classes, and before Morning Ex. Sometimes, Laufer would quietly enter the auditorium during Student Government to hash it out with Barr—the faculty advisor to Student Government—in the soundbox. 

“It was really startling,” senior and Student Government President Matthew Turk said. “We’d be discussing another proposal Eli Moog wrote and all of a sudden, Mr. Laufer would just burst in with a stack of ungraded papers and start yelling at Ms. Barr. One time she tried to fight him off with a box of Froot Loops.”

Brainerd moved into the publication office in late December, after both Laufer and Barr reached out to him about gaining status as his legal guardian. “Even though I don’t write for the paper,” Brainerd said, “I felt most safe in the pub office. Mr. Laufer gave me his spare key and it’s honestly a pretty nice set-up. There’s a big computer so I can play video games. They’ve got chocolate. You know, the essential stuff.”

Many of Brainerd’s peers have begun to worry about the toll the trial will take on his school work. “It’s sad to see a close friend suffer this way,” senior Tomas Catoggio said. “I mean, it’s not like any of us do much work anymore, but he definitely has an extreme case of Senioritis.” 

“Regardless of what happens during the trial, I am still Stephen’s biggest supporter,” Laufer said. “I hope he knows that I’ll always be his shoulder to lean on, his confidante, and, most importantly, I’ll always be here to grade his essays a month after they’re due.”