Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2020 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

After the excitement of recent Belden real estate acquisitions, Parker has decided to continue its expansion. Under the direction of the board, the school has purchased the blue properties in Chicago’s historic Monopoly Park neighborhood, Boardwalk and Park Place.

News of these purchases has quickly spread through the school community, the neighborhood, and even local media. However, school leadership continues to deny plans to buy up the rest of the board.

“Parker is always committed to being a good, collaborative neighbor,” Principal Dan Frank said. “We will share our plans with our own community and with our neighbors and invite comments as appropriate.”

Leaked documents from the school detail plans to build a hotel on these properties by 2022, though Parker still needs four Model Homes on each property to do so.

Residents of the area were unhappy with the expansion, believing it would harm the character of their mostly residential neighborhood. “It’s time for Parker to take responsibility for their actions,” Thimble, who lives on the Monopoly board with his family, said. “Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.”

Along with Thimble, prominent community members such as Wheelbarrow and Racecar have organized protests at events such as Parker Open Houses. “We should all be contributing to our community chest,” said Wheelbarrow.

Game Master Rich Uncle Pennybags, colloquially known as Mr. Monopoly, is a frequent donor to the school who disagrees with the protestors’s claims. “Parker has been a good neighbor for 118 years,” Pennybags said. “We always pay up when we land on a utility square.”

Community members leading the charge against the school say that donors like Pennybags are the reason their cause is so important. “Parker already has Free Parking, Reading Railroad, and Illinois Avenue,” Thimble said. “They’ve created an environment of privilege without accountability, where someone on the board with connections will always give them a Get Out of Jail Free card.”

Many students seem exhausted by the situation. “This has just gone on too long,” Investment Club Head Matthew Garchik said. “Who wrote the rules for this thing? Is there actually a way to win?”

Other students think the school should look elsewhere for expansion. “The school should go beyond the properties next door,” an anonymous Parker junior said. “Why don’t they look into acquiring Tobacco Road?”