Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2020 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

Tubs of kale and this season’s miso-glazed root vegetables have replaced pasta and breadsticks at the hot bar. Compostable hexagonal bowls filled with mobile pre-orders line the dish drop-off shelf. Clear coolers churn agua fresca where fruit cups, yogurt parfaits, and Naked smoothies were once sold.

This is the scene depicted by a 2-D rendering of Parker’s cafeteria come September 2020, which was revealed in the school’s March 16 board meeting. At the meeting, Principal Dan Frank and Facilities Committee Chairman Eric Bruozis announced that the cafeteria was undergoing another renovation, an already controversial move, given that it was last remodeled in the summer of 2016.

But the shakeup did not end there. Frank and Bruozis revealed that the school would be parting ways with Quest Food Management Services in the following school year, in favor of turning the cafeteria into a Sweetgreen.

Frank noted that there were a few reasons the school decided to make the change. “Our cafeteria serves a highly-varied, from-scratch menu, which is really expensive,” Frank said. “We found that Sweetgreen’s pricing would be more profitable for our school. So many students already order Sweetgreen habitually that our cafeteria has actually been losing money for the past couple of years.”

Head Chef Zac Maness––whose title will become “Head Coach” starting next September, as per Sweetgreen’s official employee structure––has mixed feelings about the change. “As someone who has a passion for inventing interesting flavor combinations, I’m not super psyched about the fact that someone in some ‘Treehouse’ in California [Sweetgreen’s Culver City headquarters] is doing that job for me,” Maness said. “But I guess it means I’ll go down in Parker history as the guy who solved the cafeteria line. That’s pretty cool.”

Environmental Committee Faculty Advisor Susan Elliott was concerned about the impact Sweetgreen would have on the school’s environmental footprint. “I know they source all their ingredients locally and sustainably,” Elliott said, “but this completely undermines our goal of eliminating to-go boxes from the cafeteria, which we were so close to achieving.”

Students seemed more receptive to Parker’s new food provider than adults in the building. “I’m excited, but it’s not really a big change in my life,” junior Leila Sheridan said. “The only real adjustment is that instead of going down two flights of stairs to the front door, I now have to go all the way to the cafeteria.”

As for the beloved baked goods? “Well, Sweet Mandy B’s and Floriole are just down the street,” Frank said. “They’re a little pricey, but I think we’ll be able to swing it.” The coffee and hot water dispensers will be replaced by hot and iced beverages from La Colombe and DAVIDsTEA, respectively.