Editor’s Note: The piece below was published in The Weekly’s 2020 “Joke Issue.” All content, quotations, and other features are entirely fictitious. 

In a striking display of respect for student journalism, the Parker administration allowed “The Parker Weekly” the ability to publish free from prior review and prior restraint earlier this month. This momentous move towards a free and independent press did not turn out the way it was planned, however. 

“Instant regret.” Principal Dan Frank said. 

His brief but forceful statement came after “The Weekly” almost immediately published a series of inflammatory articles that shook parents, students, teachers, and staff. “We figured we might as well run with it,” senior and “Weekly” Editor-in-Chief Ian Shayne said. “And we started with some coverage of recent speakers.” 

Parker was met with its first lawsuit (of many) when recent speaker Lynn Lyons mistook her own metaphor for anxiety in Parker’s header. “I thought they were calling me a cult leader!” Lyons said. “I totally forgot the opening line of my speech.” Lyons, a reputable psychotherapist and author, spoke to students, teachers, and parents about anxiety and perfectionism, and compared the nature of anxiety to the behaviors of a cult leader. 

Lyons was not alone in her mistake. Parents were appalled when they thought Parker would invite a self proclaimed cult leader to speak at Morning Ex. “I was definitely going to stay for high school,” eighth grader Ben Kagan said, “but my parents were so upset about the ‘Cult Leader’ headline in ‘The Weekly,’ I don’t think I will anymore.”
Kagan’s experience is not isolated. According to the school, applications have decreased by 50%, and nobody came to Parker’s auction this March. “We take full responsibility,” Shayne said. 

The editors of “The Weekly” also took their newfound freedom to poke fun at the “Day of Reflection,” a heavily debated discipline practice in Parker’s Upper School. “We made so many memes on our backpage… now Parker is going to have to get rid of the Day of Reflection!” Senior and Editor-in-Chief Alex Ori said. The school announced the paper’s humorous critique resulted in a number of parent phone calls, and the administration has decided they have no choice but to suspend the practice. 

Even worse, “Ins and Outs” on the backpage of the paper have caused several disastrous break-ups in the Upper School. 

“‘The Weekly’ is finally using its platform to distribute real journalism,” senior Maddie Friedman sobbed. “I would never have known I was never my boyfriend’s one true love. I’m so grateful I now know he’s been spending every weekend at judo.”

Since the administration handed the editors-in-chief the reins of the newspaper, the three seniors have also doubled their staff. “We thought it would be a good idea to invite all of the Lincoln Park neighbors to help with our reporting,” Shayne said. “It’s really hard to come by an unbiased voice at Parker, and we really needed some reporters that were a little more detached from the school.”
“The opinions section has also been way better,” Ori added.  

All three editors admit that the saddest part of the whole ordeal was the lack of egg rolls in the cafeteria. “I’ll never regret anything as much as making that meme about the egg rolls,” Ori said. “If only the administration could have stopped me. To the cafeteria staff––please bring them back. I’m so sorry.”