You just start to see the bottom of your coffee cup clear up. You know what this means. No less than 10 minutes from now you’ll start to feel the caffeine soak into your lower intestine and start a movement in your then sleepy bowels. If it’s a Tuesday (worst day for early morning movements) you’ll have to consider the possibility of waiting until conference. Will you be able to hold out? Where will you take your business? Challenges like these plague my brain every time I go for a coffee run, eat a spring roll, have to make an announcement at MX, or during any important moment ever in my school day. You see, I am looking to help the community in the only way I know how: being the lighthouse for all lost sailors looking for a calm, quiet, and secret dock to let off their load.

Like many of you, I didn’t think women pooped until Freshman year. But after the revelation, I ran into more problems than expected. How do I go about this process I’ve been granted? As an avid coffee drinker, I had to address the pooping problem quite quickly.

But now, I will share with you all my vast experience with Parker Pooping in the form of a Weekly Article. I’ve tried to suggest this service at many pitch meetings, but somehow the editors only accepted my offer on this issue. Here are the indisputably perfect locations you should venture when you get that 30-minutes-post-Parker-spring-rolls kinda feeling:

1. Ms. Gibsons Bathroom

I personally have never been a Gibson’s Bathroom kinda girl because there is so much room for error but I understand the thrill. There truly is so much mystery in the journey with this location. Is it going to be over or under 90 degrees in there? Is Ms. Gibson going to be in there? Are three eighth grade girls going to be wasting time during Drawing class and lean back against the sink like the Regina George in Mean girls but this time the Mean Girls are eighth-graders and you are a Junior in high school but you still are intimidated? I’m sorry, I got carried away. 

2. Lost and Found

This one seems obvious. Depending on the time of year, this location can entail a walk down the seclusive hallway to Val’s office or a full public squat in the alcove. Either way, nobody will know it’s yours until claim day, because duh… it’s lost and found. 

3. Sandbox

According to the Parker Pooping Database, there is an average of 2.5 human fecal units discovered in the JK sandbox every year. 100% of those cases have been blamed on innocent five-year-olds, but little do the Lower School heads know, they’ve all been mine, all 2.5 of them. If you think about it, it’s no different than a kitty litter box. And yes, sandbox pooping has all the health benefits you’ve read about. Improved vision, weight loss, and people mistaking you for a homeless woman. 

4. On last year’s seniors

Let’s be honest… they sucked. Nuf said.

5. Middle School Locker area

This location is not as avant-garde as my other suggestions but this is THE location for insecure poopers everywhere, both men and women alike. In the middle school boys’ locker room, your poop’s plunge will go unheard when faced with the noise of 30 prepubescent screeching boys and the odor of the other post-pubescent 30. On the girls’ side, your pooping odor will be covered by either PINK’s Sweet & Cozy perfume or PINK’s Flirty & Fresh perfume (for the more mature eighth graders).