Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

On March 5 Principal Dan Frank lost the first grade piece of the house,, thereby prohibiting further attendance by any student in the grade. While the first grade students are ecstatic, the teachers are distraught.

“I try to run a tight first grade shift,” first grade teacher Bev “Greenie” Greenberg said. “What is this sort of irresponsible behavior from this school’s administrators going to teach my soldiers?”  

Due to several complaints from the parents, Frank decided to admit full responsibility for his mistake. “After Corinthians Morning Ex, it’s difficult to keep track of all of the pieces of the house,” Frank said. “There are so many of them!”

Frank believes that someone broke into his office on the night of March 5 and took the piece.

“The one night I decided to keep my office door open, I lose a piece of the house,” Frank said. “Because I’ve always emphasized the importance of a model home, letting the first grade stay would be hypocritical.”

After a weeklong investigation, the list of suspects has been narrowed down to four people, all of whom claim they’re innocent: Ms. Fries, Ms. Lesinski, Mr. Riff, and Ms. Zerega.

“It’s merely a coincidence,” Upper School History Department Co-Chair Andy Bigelow, who helped the school conduct the investigation, said, “that only members of the science department are accused of this crime.”

The history and science departments have fought since 1999 when an in-class experiment from a student in Fries’s class caused a pungent smell in history teacher Kevin Conlon’s room. Being relatively new to Parker, Conlon thought Fries was trying to “show him who’s boss.”

Fries questioned the validity of the investigation. “Because this investigation was conducted by the history department, I think that the result are biased,” Fries said.  “Dr. Frank is truly to blame for this.”

Although he may have been robbed, Frank still admits full responsibility. “People seem so concerned with who robbed me,” Frank said. “They forget the fact that I am responsible. I should not have left my door open.”

The security team is viewing the videotapes without any luck thus far. “The culprit was wearing black, so it is not easy to identify who it is,” security guard Gregory Reames said. “But I am left wondering why someone took the first grade piece of the house.”

Despite the energy put into the investigation, the first grade students are still at their respective homes. “Teaching is my passion,” Greenie said. “I cannot wait for the security team to find the robber.”

The entire student body watched as the first grade students walked across the building on their final day of school on March 6. While the faculty and the other students sulked, the first graders danced joyously. According to Frank, it was bittersweet, both “very Parker” and “very sad for Parker.”