Note: this article was published in the 2017 Joke Issue.

After the news that The University of Michigan rejected Parker’s request to take all 85 current seniors, the school has decided that it will now run JK-16, adding a university in the coming year. The board released a statement Tuesday explaining their reasoning behind the big change.

“The 14 year gang is such a close knit group,” the statement said. “We did not want our school’s emphasis on community to end after 12th grade. There’s no reason this group of kids who have grown up together should ever have to part.”

Only members of the 14 year gang will be automatically accepted into the upper school under the new policy–all other students will have to reapply the fall of senior year, though they will be considered as “affiliated applicants.” Students that went to Anshe Emet before they went to Parker will also be given priority.

Students and parents are ecstatic that they will no longer have to go through the college process. The night the statement was released, junior grade chairs sent out an email inviting parents to burn their college advice books in the courtyard. At 7pm, parents threw their college counseling notebooks and college admissions advice books into a fire burning inside of a trashcan.

“The dorms are going to be in the science wing,” Principal Dan Frank said, “since we were never really good at that anyway.”  All clubs will continue through college, including Model UN, “The Weekly,” and yearbook.

Students are not only delighted about the academic aspect, they also are excited to never have to meet new people.  Junior Olivia Levine said, “I’ll never have to make friends in my life!”

After the statement was released, Susan Weingartner, head of college counseling, was found sprawled in the wavy hallway muttering to herself about why God would do this to her.

The school is considering whether to open a graduate school as well as a consulting firm at which all students can work after graduate school.